"A mixed-income building on the Upper West Side has banned rent-stabilized tenants from a fancy new gym, decreeing that only those who pay market-rate rents can use the facility."

There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.

"Two dozen never-before-exhibited" paintings by George W. Bush will anchor "The Art of Leadership," an exhibition opening April at Bush's presidential library in Texas. Reserve your tickets now. Outsider art is so hot these days.

For the first time in 21 years, the FDA-mandated nutritional information labels on consumer foods may soon get a major updating, because you're all fatty-fat fats, and you really need to pay attention to these goddamn things, people.

When comedy legend Harold Ramis died yesterday, the world mourned and shared their favorite moments from his films. As it turns out, President Obama did, too. When the president issued a statement this morning paying tribute to Ramis, he included a reference to one of Ramis' classic films, just like any other fan would.

At a press conference on Tuesday, Ukraine's acting president Olexander Turchinov warned that the country faced a "serious threat" from separatism, especially from its southern, Russian-speaking regions. Turchinov also announced that the formation of a permanent government would be delayed until at least Thursday.

The evasive mastermind behind the finance-culture thorn Twitter @GSElevator was revealed today to be neither former or current employee of Goldman Sachs. The account, which has over 600,000 followers and a six-figure book deal, is maintained by a bond executive in Texas. Twist.

In an attempt to broaden the shoddily-forged daisy chain of connectivity that is "what's your job" and "are you skilled," employment social media company LinkedIn announced it is doing beta testing in China. Think about talcum powder if you endorse this.

Gary Melius, owner of Oheka castle on Long Island, was shot in the head by a masked gunman this afternoon when he was in the parking lot of his estate. Melius has been reported as "alert and conscious," but the gunman is still at large.

Philadelphia-area minor league baseball team the Lehigh Valley IronPigs (one word, for some reason) unveiled their new gear for the spring season and its emblazoned with a food that Americans cannot stop inhaling into our mouth-holes. Oh yeah, it's your friend, your good friend, bacon.

Scientists recently discovered a blue crystal not currently being abused by meth users on—where else?—an Australian sheep ranch. With atom-probe tomography, it was declared that it is the oldest piece of earth still on Earth. How old is this, you ask?

This is (a GIF of) a live feed of porn site searches. It's the most mesmerizing—and terrifying—thing on the internet right now.

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton have ended their marriage after eight years.

Harold Ramis wrote and/or directed the greatest American movies of my generation, a generation that was smarter than it should've been and doomed to professional mediocrity. The only sane solution was to try to have a little fun in the process of being disappointed by everything.

The front page of today's New York Times has astonishing news for a nation accustomed to life on an eternal war footing: Defense secretary Chuck Hagel has proposed shrinking the United States military to a size, as the subheadline puts it, "Equal to That of 1940." Online, where the subheads are more expansive, the paper elaborates:

Judging from this commercial, German supermakets are much more fun—or at least more bizarre—than their American counterparts. The commercial—titled "Supergeil"— stars a 58-year-old musician named Friedrich Liechtenstein, who, over the course of the video, pours milk into his bathtub, eats ice cream in a random couple's bed, dances through a EDEKA supermarket, and smokes a hot dog like a cigar. It's well worth your four minutes.

After his debit card was declined at Applebee's, a man tried to pay for his solo Valentine's Day lunch with a $1 trillion bill.

Three "19-year-old white male freshmen from Georgia" at the University of Mississippi have been expelled from their fraternity, and the frat has been suspended from campus, after the trio reportedly hung a noose and Confederate-themed flag over the statue of a black civil rights icon.