Earlier today, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence released a brand new video “showcasing security tips for U.S. travelers abroad.” And what a showcase it is. The seven-minute clip, while full of helpful little tidbits, can actually be boiled down to a single sentiment: TRUST NO ONE, AND GET A BURNER PHONE, FRANK.

The trouble starts from the minute you—played by Frank—arrive at your “foreign airport” destination. Because surveillance will initiate immediately, as you can see:

Computer screen “from a foreign airport”: YouTube

Who is doing this surveillance? Why is it happening? What country are you in? Doesn’t matter. Focus on the fact that they’re watching you. Everywhere you go. Forever.

Hotel time! As soon as you check into your hotel, the receptionist will text her shady friend with your room number. This co-conspirator will then immediately stand directly outside your door until you leave, at which point he will walk in and download all of your precious, encrypted iPad files onto a TV remote, I guess. You will not see it coming.

Next, we learn that you should limit the electronic devices you bring with you overseas as much as possible. Not just because electronic devices require chargers, though that is a concern:

Don’t bring these.

Ideally, you will bring nothing.

But, you might ask, what am I supposed to do if I need to contact literally any other person? Every time you travel, says the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, use a burner phone. And a throwaway email account. It’s also probably a good idea to set your suitcase on fire before boarding your plane back home. Burn your fingertips. Leave no trace.

And as the State Department has so kindly tweeted at us time and time again, the chances of another human being finding you even moderately attractive are so absurd that anyone who shows an interest in you abroad is almost definitely trying to scam you. Especially if your new friend “asks a lot of questions” about things like your job or your hobbies, which are not things normal people do to pass the time in line for a taxi. She doesn’t care. She’s too hot for you. You should know this.

Last but not least, the ODNI leaves us with some parting words of wisdom:

Assume that when you’re traveling, you have no privacy. And that all of your communication might be watched—no matter where you are...When you’re traveling abroad, others are likely to know of this. You may be being watched.

In which case, the only way to be really, truly safe, is, as always, to stay at home sitting crosslegged in a faraday cage inside your dimly lit panic room. But remember: Even then, the bad men are waiting.

The bad men are always waiting.