Like any ingenue to the magazine world, Pippa Middleton has glided up the rungs of the media ladder—straight from food columnist for a grocery store leaflet to Contributing Editor at Vanity Fair—in one easy step.

According to editor Graydon Carter, VF has hired that ass because she is a "keen observer of classic British pastimes," and also that ass. He lists other qualifying traits: "She is also an avid sportswoman, and we look forward to her take on traditional English pursuits, beginning with Wimbledon." That. Ass.

In her first dispatch on the tennis jamboree, the writer sits for a brief chat with deceptively effortless essay subject Roger Federer, where she asks him "what he has for breakfast and whether it’s true that the men’s and women’s champions have to dance together at the Wimbledon-ball after-party." Food; they don't.

Other than this little chat with already-profiled tennis player, Pippa catalogues the players who are "easy on the eyes," and makes a "cheeky reference to the iconic Athena tennis poster."

But do not fear if you feel that reading about tennis might be snobby. The daughter of filthy lowborn merchants promises that her guide comes from someone who once experienced it from the trenches, the people's trenches:

“Queuing from five A.M. on ‘People’s Sunday’ in 2004 with my sister for three hours and getting £35 tickets on Centre Court; my first time ever. Seats were a free-for-all—and I recall almost tripping over myself trying to get as close as possible to my birthday-twin British hero Tim Henman.”

She also lists a series of promises she had failed to keep. These include winning Wimbledon and daring to dream:

“I first went to Wimbledon when I was eight years old and already a very keen tennis player. During this first trip I acted on my childish tennis dreams and bought myself a postcard of the women’s championship trophy, on which I wrote, ‘I will win this one day,’ with my signature below.”

As well as marrying in sports clothes:

“If I had to get married, it would be in my tennis whites—shorts with no pleats or frills.”

Granted, Pippa Middleton has not married yet so this could still be true, but as she wore this to her sister's—her older sister, the one with the crow's feet dusting the corners of her eyes—wedding, it will likely be form-fitting, feminine, and incorporate some sort of train carried by dozens of small children as well. Also her tennis whites are made of frills.

[image via AP]