[There was a video here]

Alan Martin, a church minister and father of two, has sentenced himself to seven weeks in Never Ending Pasta Pass prison at Olive Garden. He invited the Fox affiliate in Burlington, NC to visit him as he slurps down another bowl of limp noodles swimming in room temperature pond water. It is the saddest two minutes I have ever watched.

Martin welcomes each successive plate of pasta, with a "Hello, friend," his face despondent as a waitresses grates a waterfall of cheese on top of his food.

He tells WGHP that the waitstaff at this Olive Garden treats him "like a celebrity."

An expert might diagnose Martin with Stockholm Syndrome. "I can't believe I get to eat like this every day!" Martin exclaims on camera, his eyes betraying the sentiment. "This is great..."

Martin, who apparently has no other outlet in life, bought the Pasta Pass for $100 in September, and has since eaten at Olive Garden twice a day—every day—for the past six weeks. Just one more to go!

So far, he's eaten 95 bowls of pasta. "He's gotten his money's worth, absolutely..." Burlington Olive Garden general manager Chris Lambert nervously tells WGHP.

Only 1,000 Never Ending Pasta Passes exist. Martin's story may be the most pathetic.

"I would love to be the person that's eaten the most out of the 1,000 people—you know, that'd be a good contest to win," Martin told the TV station.

"Why?" the WGHP reporter asks.

"Because that means I got the most value out of the card than anybody did in the United States," he responded. He figures he's saved more than $1,000. It is unclear how those savings in human money will help cover what Martin has lost in dignity.

You probably think I'm being too hard on 'ol Alan Martin. Go ahead and think that, friend. Because I will not stand for what must be a lie: "Believe it or not," WGHP reports, "he says he hasn't gained any weight."

[H/T Uproxx]