The Oscars were last night, and like every other sane person on the planet you were busy watching True Detective. Luckily for you your non-sane correspondents at Gawker were watching the Oscars. This is what you missed.

The Red Carpet: Boring, and then Jennifer Lawrence fell, which is, at this point, boring. Boring!

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Ellen's monologue was boring until the last 30 seconds, when she crammed in the Jonah Hill dick joke and the 12 Years a Slave "racist" joke.

Ukrainians were thrilled and enervated by this show of support from Jared Leto. Take that, Vladimir!

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Meryl Streep shimmied with Pharrell.

Vertigo legend Kim Novak needed aggressive back rubs to stay alive and upright.

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Darlene Love stole the mic and everyone knew better than to play her off.

Bradley Cooper took the most-RTed selfie of all time... on an iPhone, not a Samsung.

(This is the good stuff) Lupita gave a gracious speech...

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...and despite a decades-long feud, Bill Murray paid a small, touching tribute to the late Harold Ramis.

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Meanwhile Matthew McConaughey acted totally normal during his acceptance speech, like a normal guy who is not on drugs would act.

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And Steve McQueen danced.

And then it ended. Ideally you used the five hours you didn't spend watching this to do something productive with your life.