Russian oligarchs have had a pretty crazy week (as opposed to their standard weeks, which range from the "insane" to "delightfully sinister") — Brooklyn Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov watched as Jay-Z walked away from the franchise and called his ticket-holders "dweebs," while fellow-oligarch Roman Abramavich's insane luxury yacht, The Eclipse, remained mysteriously docked on Manhattan's West Side. Oh, and the daughter of billionaire Dmitry Rybolovlev (you guessed it — oligarch), bought an entire Greek island.

The mystery surrounding The Eclipse (which btw, has its own missile defense system and a submarine) was finally cleared up last night as sources tell Animal that Abramavich's long term girlfriend Dasha Zhukova gave birth to a baby girl at Roosevelt Hospital. The birth-after-berth bestows on the young Abramavich both U.S. citizenship and wealth beyond anyone's wildest dreams. But is her dad cool enough to buy her an island?

The 24-year-old daughter of oligarch Dmitry Rybolovlev has bought a Greek Island from the last remaining descendant of the shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis. The island, Skorpios, is where Onassis famously married Jackie Kennedy. Rybolovlev, who bought the island for "not only for leisure but also business purposes" (where exactly on the tax form do you put down "greek island" as a business expense? Haha, jk these dudes don't pay taxes), Rybolovlev "regards the acquisition as a long-term financial investment," and an amazing place to party and think about money, wealth, eternity, and the most dangerous game of all.

But all is not sunny in the world of Russian oligarchs! Mikhail Prokhorov's marketing-friend Jay-Z has sold off his shares in the Brooklyn Nets franchise in pursuit of becoming a sports agent, while also calling Nets ticket-holders "dweebs." Not only that, but the Nets are on course for an unenviable NBA playoffs showdown with the Miami Heat, and with salary-cap concerns and an aging roster, they might never be able to win a championship within the next three years, meaning Prokhorov will then have to follow-through with his promise to end his playboy ways. A sad situation, indeed. The saddest of all situations.