If you happen to know the guy caught in this surveillance camera photo, you should probably give him a hug today, before he goes to jail. Emphasize what he is good at. Not everyone has to be some "great" bank robber, you know?

As the NY Post tells it, last Friday, this guy, Mr. Arch Criminal, walked into a Manhattan Chase bank and handed the teller a note saying, "I have a bomb. Give me some money now." It's not, you know, the best bank robbery note. A bomb? LOL OK. Who has a bomb, really? Outside of movies and terrorist operatives and fighters in wars, people just do not have bombs. It's just a poor threat. Even a finger pointed in a jacket pocket as a fake gun would be more believable. Also, "some" money? Specifics, please?

The teller—clearly the type of jaded New Yorker unfazed by anything less violent than the collapse of a major building—said to the robber, "I do not read notes." And then gave him a withdrawal slip! This lady! Can we get her on Letterman, please? Mr. Arch Criminal responded by writing "I have a bomb" on the withdrawal slip and handing it back in. We can just imagine him there, at the window, painstakingly scrawling his useless threat on a deposit slip. Poor guy.

And what did the teller do when he handed back his threat again? She "instructed the perp to swipe his bank card at the counter."

Her name is Melinda Lewis, everyone. Chase Bank should elevate her to CEO immediately.

Since our beleaguered friend Mr. Arch Criminal did not have a bank card (or a bomb!) he became so frustrated by all this paperwork and runaround involved in trying to rob a bank that he simply gave up and left with nothing but some lollipops. He went on to rob three other places that day in the same mopey fashion, for a total take of $300. That won't come close to covering his bail. Or even a decent set of bombmaking supplies.

Hey, just because you're named "Mr. Arch Criminal" doesn't mean you need to be some big arch criminal, man. I've read your poetry—it's good.

[A fantastic tabloid story. Pic via]