Law Students Decapitate Rare Bird Because It's Vegas, Baby
In an apparent attempt to empirically prove the veracity of Robert Frost's 1962 poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay," two men, Eric Cuellar and Justin Teixeira, were arrested in Las Vegas this week after being caught on tape killing an endangered 14-year-old helmeted guinea fowl.
Security footage at the painfully named Flamingo Hotel showed them throwing the bird back and forth while laughing and discussing how they would kill it, because there is nothing good or innocent that will not eventually be brutally murdered. The two were identified as Berkeley law students because of course they are.
Security officers saw them emerging from a nearby grove with the decapitated corpse of something that was once beautiful, as well as the head itself, after which we can only assume the officers took a moment to privately weep for humanity's collective loss. The men refused to speak to police or identify themselves in any way, presumably because they were supernaturally rendered speechless by shame and grief.
The two face felony charges for torturing and killing endangered wildlife; no word yet on what punishments await reporters who use the phrase "fowl play" in introducing the story.
