In case you didn't know, the President and Mrs. Obama are hearing a British appeal for the United States to return to its status as a crown colony tonight or, anyway, hosting a state dinner for Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife, Samantha.

Let's analyze the menu while we eat cereal.

First course
 The first course establishes the evening's fancypants tone right away. It will consist of "Crisped Halibut with Potato Crust, served on a bed of braised baby kale fresh from the White House garden, shaved Brussels sprouts, and micro cabbage sprouts."

The White House is also pulling the classic breakfast-for-dinner trick really good for impressing eight year olds and, evidently, British people, by including a side of applewood smoked bacon ("from a local smokehouse") with this course for no reason.

Salad course
 This course is pretty irrelevant since, according to American custom, salads are inedible garnishes rather than actual dishes. However, because we tryna be high class for our foreign friends, the Obamas have to serve one tonight. Here's what it will feature:
"Spring Garden Lettuces from the Kitchen Garden with Shallot Dressing and Shaved Radish, Cucumbers and Avocados."

So, basically, it will be a salad.

Main course
 Wowowow. This is where things get luxe.
The star dish will be Bison Wellington served with a red wine reduction. Yes, that is bison and not beef. Barack Obama rode through the prairies of Maryland state, suffering many broken wagon axles along the way, to provide this meal for everyone. He shot seven buffalo himself but could only carry 200 pounds back to the wagon. He cheaped out when the caravan came to a river, and decided to ford across rather than pay for a ferry, grumbling that "Ferries are a silk-stocking's scam." One ox drowned. But, anyway, he got everyone their meat.

This course will be served with green beans and cipollini onion.

Dessert
 Dessert will consist of a warm steamed Meyer lemon pudding with Idaho huckleberry sauce and Newton Pippin apples.

It will probably be lovely.

Dranks
 An American wine will be paired with each course. Everybody getting crunk. Everybody swapping state secrets.

Soulful Jams
 Entertainment for the evening will be provided by White House favorite John Legend and British folk rock band Mumford & Sons. I wish my dad had been invited because that is just the kind of line-up he would enjoy and also everyone would love him and find him very charming.

Tablescapes
 The theme of the décor is "America's backyard," which really feels like flirting with disaster. Hopefully Prime Minister Cameron can appreciate the inherent beauty of a rusted out old Chevy that America is going to fix up just as soon as it gets the parts it's waiting on.

New Friends
 The guest list includes Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey (Hugh Bonneville), Major Dick Winters from Band of Brothers (Damian Lewis) and Chevy Chase (Chevy Chase), three of the Western world's most notorious gossips.

Proletariat
 What are you having for dinner? Will there be a salad course? Are cippollini onions as expensive as they sound? Did Chevy Chase forget to tell you he couldn't come to your dinner because he's got a thing tonight? What is in your backyard (AMERICANS ONLY)?

[Image via AP]