Comment of the Day: Death to Produce
Today we bemoaned the fact that food makers want the produce section to become nothing more than elaborate display cases for processed junk. That is bad because fresh fruits and vegetables are good. Or are they? One commenter says no.
When I moved away to college several years ago, I had the pleasure of being introduced to Giant Eagle grocery stores. At first glance, I was horrified and disgusted. The produce section was a scene right out of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"! Neatly half-peeled corn husks exposed intricate rows of candy corn. Plastic fruit containers were piled high with glistening raspberry candies. In some instances, where candy was unable to properly replace produce, pre-made vats of vegetable and oil based dips (think guacamole and salsa con queso) were ornately stacked to the ceiling, in similar fashion to the Great Pyramid of Khufu.
Despite my initial aversion, I quickly become accustomed to my new candy-produce diet. I even became a vegetarian! I mean, meat is simply disgusting without syrup and artificial flavoring.
Four years and sixty-five extra pounds later, I moved back home - where the evil, LIBERAL-COMMUNIST-BIG GOVERNMENT grocery stores had "real" fruit and vegetables, like the kind with vitamins and minerals. Gross.
Luckily, it only took me six weeks to awake from my diabetic coma. Since then, I have tirelessly advocated for all grocery stores to implement Giant Eagle's progressive "Produce Elimination Process".
You know, the last few years have been really fucking hard. People throw tomatoes at my house constantly - which is fine with me, because they are destroying that virulent fruit! When I load my cart to the brim with candy at Wegmans, people call me "corpulent" and "vile" and "diseased"! The nerve.
But stories like this give me hope. The hope that all Americans will share my dream. The hope that future generations of children will never be forced choke down apples or vomit up green beans.
It will be paradise.
This is very weird, but I like it.
