On last night's American Idol, auditions were held in Austin, Texas, and, boy, were they dull. Sure, there were a few standout contestants who were rewarded with one of Randy's patented "Yo, Wild Hawgz" before receiving their golden tickets, but, all in all, the night was a resounding "meh." Even the crazies were mellow and boring. What's the deal, Austin? Where are your delusional weirdos? Don't you know that we need their public embarrassment like we need oxygen?

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There was one girl named Courtney Penry. She claims to love Ryan Seacrest and "thinks he's the sexiest man alive." This doesn't prove that she's a weirdo. It proves that she's a liar. No seventeen year old girl, surrounded by a sea of Garret Hedlunds and Zac Efrons, is going to pick tiny-bodied Seacrest as Sexiest Man Alive. No way, no how. Do you hear me, Courtney? You lie! And you don't even lie well! I don't think that even Ryan believed you and you could tell that he really wanted to! Poor Ryan. More so, poor the rest of us. Courtney made it through to Hollywood, which means there's a chance for her to show off her phony fangirling even more in the future. Imagine if she makes it to the top 20. She won't, but, still, IMAGINE.