Despite the Fourth of July fireworks that mercifully punctuated the episode with flashes of beauty and hope, tonight's installment of Teen Mom 2 was much akin to watching paint dry.

Nothing happened. A much better programming option would have been to allow the Teen Moms to deliver tonight's State of the Union address so Obama could do something useful with his time, like teach Bo how to speak English (in that scary voice that dogs typically use when speaking the romantic languages, "Herrow") or stand on his hind legs. "...And, great people of america, we have our TEEN MOMS, who struggle bravely everyday to smoke weed while pregnant, make massive salaries from MTV, and get back together with verbally abusive ex-boyfriends." MTV, unaware of this saucy and exciting option, decided to stick with the power emo soundtracked trials and tribulations of teen parenthood. We were treated to Jenelle (otherwise known as Lucifer) signing over her parental rights to her Mother as well as the reuniting of both the good couple, Leah and Corey, and the useless couple, Chelsea and her, ever shirtless, Adam.

The exception to tonight's hit-parade of mediocrity was our troubled Kailyn. Trapped living in her ex-boyfriend's parent's house and unable to shake romantic feelings towards her Sports Authority co-worker, Jordan, Kailyn must choose between love and eviction. Luckily, Kailyn's atrocious excuse for a mother decided to pass down her old jalopy, so even if Jo's parents tell Kailyn to hit the road, at least she can live in her mom's crappy old car. Faced with this reality, Kailyn decided to end things with Jordan in what must be the most unemotional breakup ever. "See you at work," famous last words.

[There was a video here]

For your time, here's some gratuitous photos of Adam, who managed to be shirtless the entire episode and show off his ink. What he lacks as a father he makes up for ten-fold with his passion for sketchy Chevrolet tattoos: