It is back! Oh sufferin' Seacrests, is it ever back. We embark upon season 10 of this tarnished talent show with a wary curiosity. So much is new, so that could be exciting. But, then again, probably not.

I'm not going to go into a lot of specifics here, because it's just the auditions and the audition episodes are just sorta hard to talk about. I mean, yeah, some people sang. Some sounded good, others dreadfully embarrassed themselves. It was interesting that the producers followed through on their promise to show a lot more good people than bad this season. Of course there were a few scattered embarrassments, but the bulk of the footage was of people who actually got through to the next round. I'm sure there will be some grumbling about that, because some people — people who find Perez Hilton funny, people who love that Chelsea Handler — think the embarrassing sad weirdos are the best thing about the show. But I say hard cheese to them. This is a kinder, gentler Idol, and I think that's a good thing.

And we did indeed see some good people! My favorite person of the evening was the girl whose family fled Kosovo, because she was pretty (sue me) and had a good, pop-style voice and could actually have a career. The kid with fake hips or whatever his deal was was indeed good, but I don't think he was cute enough (it's a shallow show, so I'm going to be shallow, OK?) to really make it. The kid they showed last, the one with the tragic Charles Dickensy Bronx Tale, was cute and good, so maybe he will succeed where baby soft-hips (awful) won't. WHO ELSE. Oh god, actually, meet me down here at the next paragraph.

HI! Let's talk about who we DIDN'T LIKE. You know who I really DID NOT LIKE? That weird girl who was Southern in kind of a fake way, the one who said "y'all" and talked like she was fifty-two years old and lived in 1964. You know, the one who made the video diaries and had the unsettling pink outfit on and there was just a touch of something off or not right about her. She was reeeeeally unpleasant. Yeah she could blow aight (to quote Sir Randy) but it was not aight enough to make up for the fact that she was basically what would happen if Leslie Jordan had gotten really tan and then died at the age of fifteen and then came back as a ghost. She was basically that, and yet she is going to H'wood. H'wood, ya blow me. I also did not care for the musical theatery girl from Springfield, MA mostly because she was so twidgy and desperate that it made me sad. I mean, I don't blame her. Have y'all ever been to Springfield, MA? Shit's bleak. I would be twidgy and desperate to get out of there too. To anywhere, really. Take me to South Hadley, I don't give a fuck, just get me the hell outta Spring-town. But yeah, there was just something too manic and anxious-making about her general... je ne sais quoi. You know what I'm saying? What about you, Leslie Jordan's spray-tan zombie ghost? Are you feeling me? Good.

And what about the judges, huh? How'd those new kids do? Well... I thought actually that J.Lo was not as insufferable as I thought she'd be. She was kinda aight. I mean, it's hilarious and dumb that she is judging a singing competition, considering she is not... how you say... a singer? But whatever, neither was Perla Arbordale, and she was the best! (No she was not.) So yeah, I actually didn't mind J. Lopez really at all. It's terribly sad for her, career-wise, that she's forced into hauling her ass around the country judging the tenth season of what's basically the chief engine of Ryan Seacrest's twink budget at this point, but her career not considered, I don't mind the lady. Hell, she's certainly more interesting than Kara DioGuardi. Ha! Remember Kara? I don't. I have no idea who I'm talking about. Kara who? Kara DiabloGourds? Never heard'a her.

Speaking of weird wispy old women, who was that weird wispy old woman sitting next to J.Lo last night? She was an oddball, that one! That lady kept opening up her Carol Channing mouth and making toots and warbles that didn't make any sense! That was one weird old broad, man. Chicks are gettin' crazy at that age, huh? I have no idea why an 82-year-old hippie grandma was chosen to be the third judge on America's most popular television show (not for longggg), but she was, so we have to deal with it. Mostly she was OK as a judge. Sometimes she was saying things that I think she thought were words but weren't really human English words, but that's OK. At her age, what are you going to do, right? I really liked her false teeth, I thought they looked great, and her brave decision, because who really gives a flying fudge at that age, to let her natural soul patch grow in was commendable. All told, this weird old witch was working for me. Recommend. Would watch again.

So that's that for the first episode! Can you believe we're back? I can't believe we're back. Seems like just yesterday little Timmy Urban was making cow-eyes at Ryan and Ryan's heart was thwacking away like a typewriter and oh gosh gillies and goo were they in love. Oh wait, that was yesterday! They took a rowing boat out on the reservoir and Tim twirled his parasol and Ryan sang an old ballad he'd learned from a sailor many years ago. They ate spongy bread and soft cheeses and got warm and silly on wine. Later that night, the heat of the sun still emanating from their bodies, Ryan curled up next to Timmy and said "I can't believe it's all starting again..." and Timmy gulped and closed his eyes, so so scared that Ryan would meet someone new, that he'd be thrown out like last year's news. They both lay there, filled with individual worry, and the room grew dark and eventually they drifted off to sleep. Both knowing, in some strange way, that it was the last night of everything.

Sigh. WE'RE BACK, BABY.

[There was a video here]