TONIGHT: We've got the series premieres of Melissa and Joey (that is, Joan Hart and Lawrence, respectively) and Big Lake, plus new episodes of Flipping Out, America's Got Talent, Shaq Vs., Teen Mom, The Rachel Zoe Project, and much more!

8:00 PM

Melissa and Joey Series premiere! A busy politician (Melissa Joan Hart) hires a male nanny (Joey Lawrence) in the series opener of this comedy about an aunt who assumes custody of her teenage niece and nephew. (ABC Family)
Wipeout People do stupid things and hurt themselves for money, as per usual. (I will never change this description.) (ABC)

8:30 PM

Melissa and Joey Back-to-back episodes. In this one, Joe wants his ex-wife to return his flat-screen TV to him. Elsewhere, Mel's new beau can't be taken at face value; and Lennox attempts to make some new friends. (ABC Family)

9:00 PM

America's Got Talent Twelve previously eliminated acts return to the contest and perform in a wild-card round. This show will seriously never end. (NBC)
Flipping Out Sarah, Jeff's assistant and sister-in-law, continues to struggle on the job, so Jeff resorts to tough love, putting her through his own tailor-made boot camp for assistants. (Bravo)
Shaq Vs. Shaq goes shopping with Rachael Ray in New York City, where they pick up ingredients for a burger cook-off. (ABC)
19 Kids and Counting Ugh. The Duggars. Ugh. (Will also never change this description.) (TLC)

10:00 PM

Big Lake In the premiere of this comedy about a disgraced Wall Street whiz kid who slinks back to his parents' house, Josh Franklin (Chris Gethard) vows to recoup his father's squandered retirement fund with help from an old friend and a former teacher. (Comedy Central)
The Rachel Zoe Project Rachel hopes to spend quality time with Rodger and prep for Fashion Week by going to meetings, including one with pop star Gwen Stefani. Naomi Campbell also appears (literally). (Bravo)
Teen Mom Amber and Gary have a huge fight that makes her question their engagement; Catelynn and Tyler's relationship is back on the rocks; Maci's new boyfriend meets her son, Bentley; and Farrah falls victim to a scam. (MTV)
Rescue Me As Chief Feinberg loses control, Needles puts his political leverage at FDNY headquarters to good use. (FX)

10:30 PM

Big Lake A second episode of the new comedy series, just in case 30 minutes wasn't enough! (Comedy Central)

Who's on the Late Night Couches Tonight?

The Daily Show: Dick Armey (Comedy Central)
The Colbert Report: Barry Levine (Comedy Central)
Jimmy Kimmel Live!: Justin Long, Juliette Lewis, Five Finger Death Punch (ABC)
Lopez Tonight: Dylan McDermott, Kat Von D, Meat Loaf (TBS)
Chelsea Lately Kim & Kourtney Kardashian, Bill Bellamy, Natasha Leggero, Josh Wolf (E!)
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Schwartzman (NBC, Repeat)
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Connolly, Christina Hendricks, Sheryl Crow (NBC, Repeat)
Late Show with David Letterman: Paul Rudd, Bill Burr, Interpol (CBS, Repeat)
Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson: Don Cheadle, Jeannette Walls (CBS, Repeat)