Today The New York Daily News published an ode to Mel Gibson's rear end. Master butt debater Lindy West argues that Mel's "round and shapely apple pies" are cute enough to justify keeping him in the public eye.

Alert: NSFW images of the male butt, below.

West's pro-Gibson argument is that Mel Gibson's willingness to show his naked butt on screen (all three Lethal Weapon movies and Braveheart flaunted it) means he should have a career. As long as the niceness of Gibson's butt exceeds the awfulness of his personality, then Gibson's career should be allowed to exist, argues West. Or, in logic form:

  • a = quality of Mel Gibson's ass
  • b = terribleness of Mel Gibson's personality
  • If a > b => Allow Mel Gibson's career to continue

It may be true that Mel Gibson's butt was once a hot property. (Or, in West's perplexing words, "America loves Gibson's bottom like it loves a treasured pet… Or two round and shapely apple pies cooling next to each other on a window sill.") But I question whether Mel Gibson's ass quality exceeds his terribleness. Because Mel Gibson is really terrible. Even if you agree with Lindy West's assessment that Gibson is "not exactly a racist," just an incoherent* drunk**, there is still the eensy-weensy problem of him being a raging misogynist who threatens to kill his ex-girlfriend, calls her four-letter words, and admits to punching her in the face and telling her she "deserved it."

So, given the astronomical value of b (where b = terribleness of Mel Gibson's personality) Mel Gibson would have to have the supernaturally stunning, glorious gluteus maximus ever to grace the universe. So glorious that it would blind you with its wonderment, like the mathematical equation that is God in that psycho movie Pi. Glorious enough to make peace in the Middle East. Glorious enough to cure cancer. But Mel Gibson's butt, friends, is just a butt—and past its prime at that. From left to right, a display of Mel Gibson's waning gluteal quality.

Mel GIbson's apple pies are shapely no more. His personality is demonstrably worse than ever. A younger, hotter man's butt (like this guy's) may be cute enough to excuse a minor faux pas—like stalling his car for ten minutes in a no parking zone—but nary a rear end is of such fine quality as to excuse phone rants as horrifying as Mel Gibson's. And if such a rear end exists, it is definitely not the one attached to Mel Gibson. [NYDN, screengrabs via Actors Exposed]

* Faulty logic: Racism is, by definition, incoherent, so incoherency can't disprove racism.
 ** Drunks can't be racist? America's storied history of drunken lynch mobs begs to differ.