Well, that was that. The last time that an American Idol Season 9 contestant will sing for sweet, sweet survival votes. How do you feel? Sad? Happy? Relieved? Drunk? Mostly I feel all those things. Come, let's discuss.

One big thing to talk about is that this was the last time Simon Cowell will judge anything ever! EVER. Until The X Factor comes out next year and we have two singing competition shows and fourteen dance competition shows and maybe another one of those celebrities doing things competition shows so Kristy Swanson can finally get some work again. So that said, this was a pretty big deal. Simon put a suit jacket over his chest hair for the occasion and acted mostly kind and respectful. At one point Crystal Treasurepox stopped everyone mid-criticism to wish Simon good luck and he didn't even smirk or make fun of that. So good for him. We will miss him! I will probably not watch the show once he's gone (meaning, after tomorrow). Not because he's so great, but his departure does seem to signify something. An out. Paula wasn't enough of one. But Simon? Simon is big enough that we can say "Goodbye, Irdolstinx! Goodbye forevers!" And I think I might. But for now, we still have a show to discuss.

The Good
 Crystal brought the pain! And by pain I mean that her throat bones must have been smarting after all that wailing she did last night. Parts of it sounded positively Lambertian. Not Alex Lambert. The other one. (Oh, Alex Lambert. Lady Mulletade. Where did he go? Oh, he went to go do this. Blahhh. Not good, Alex. I wish he was doing this. I would watch that web series!) I think her screeching got away from her at some points, but for the most part Mama Ladybox sounded pretty darn good. She sounded sure, you know? She sounded like she knew what was what about herself and everything was running smoothly so she just went for a jog, just opened her up on the open road to see what she could do. She did other metaphors. She did so many metaphors.

She chose "Up to the Mountain" for the song that will appear on her album if she wins the damn thing and... I don't know. If everyone was going to pick a song on their own, rather than having a Kara DioGuardi-crafted opus forced on them, I don't know why she didn't pick something a little less... Kelly Clarkson-y. It just felt a tad too familiar, when I wanted her to really step out and distinguish herself. It's a shame that even though she was able to pick her own first single, she couldn't do an original. Though "Dear Toledo" or whatever probably wouldn't be the smartest first single, unless you were only releasing it in Toledo. That's a pretty big market, I guess. The Toledo song market. But still. I just don't think people in Dayton would appreciate a Toledo song. Maybe an Ohio song? Lots of people live in Ohio. "Hey, Ohio." Have you written that song yet, Powderrox? Maybe you should.

Oh what the hell else did she sing? "Bobby McGee" was in there, I think. As was... eh, who knows. Some other similar song. Good enough, Crystal! Good enough. Nothing terribly new or exciting, but a solid wail session that reminded us why she's coasted pretty easily through this whole drab season. She's a little drab herself, maybe? But she is the worst at being drab. The worst contestant should win this year's competition. Fancy that. The world turns upside down. Gravity rearranges itself, here in the Nokia LA Live Theater of Emmys and Dreams, in beautiful downtown wasteland Los Angeles.

The Bad
 Aw geez, I'm sorry to say. Your Cousin Phil just couldn't quite pull it off, could he? He chose the boxing song he likes and a song by YouTube, "It's a Beautiful Day." Oh, I don't know. I don't know much about these things, but he just seemed a little wobbly, dontcha think? He just... I guess sometimes big things like that, big nights like he just had, he doesn't always do so well with. I was talking with your Aunt Karen the other day and you know what she reminded me about? Remember when Phil was, oh, it was nineteen musta been, not too long ago, and he had the show over at the Silver Creek Country Club over'n Hellertown? Oh it was a wedding or something, just one of those shows he used to get once in a while, but it was that real rich family that was getting married? Oh gosh, what were their names, the father's in insurance or computers or something, the Appletons, that's it. Leah Appleton was her name, the bride's name. Anyway, she was a real knockout and all the guests were pretty fancy so Phil and the other boys in the group were, you know, a little nervous. They're not used to that fancy kinda thing. Anyhoo, Keeks was reminding me that when Phil sang, she heard this from one of the event staff over there she knows from the salon, he sounded real kinda choked up and, you know, scared. So I guess after a certain point, they had to set up the DJ machine or whatever it is they got, instead of having the live band. Keeks told me that night — I remember this 'cause it was the night you had diarrhea from eating something bad at the Shula's out'n Center Valley, remember that? — Phil came home and just looked real terrible, real kinda scared and disappointed and sad. And he didn't play after that for a good long while, and you know, your aunt's a little worried that if Phil doesn't win this thing, he's gonna get real discouraged again. But I said to her I said "Keeks, Phily was real beat up after that wedding, sure. But you know what? Just a few months later was back playing those shows at the VFW, wasn't he. So this Idol show will be like that. You'll see." Now I don't know if I really believe that, this is a much bigger thing you know, but I figured it was what she needed to hear. You know? Anyway, these can go downstairs, on the shelves down there. By the furnace. And stack 'em neatly, huh? I don't want to see some mess all over the place and have to do it all over again. All that there, it can all go down.

The Last Unicorn
 So who will live and who will die? Will Crystal's technical mastery best the emotional gut rumble of your Cousin Phil and his Floptown Five? I think that Crystal was so clearly better last night that she ought to swell past Phil's general likability and take her deserved crown. Though, Phil is currently trending on Twitter and Crystal ain't, so... Maybe the army of bracefaces who've no Aaron or blessed Timberly to vote for will throw their weight behind rumply Phil. It worked for Kris Allen! Though Kris Allen was more of a definitive sex bomb than ol' paint can Willy. And a better performer. He was just better. So who knows. I'm going to say Crystal right now. And then in five minutes I'm going to say Phil. And I'll go on like that until tonight, when Ryan reads aloud from the most important cue card of the year. And the winner is...

The winner is, probably, Simon. Who gets to get up and flee this darkening place. Who will not have to endure any longer the acrid word-farts of Kara. The dim lip-dribbling of a bored and sedated Ellen. The grunting and booming of dragony Randy. No, he's packing up, leaving the secure job for something new and exciting. As someone with some idea of how that tends to work out, I can't be positive he isn't making a mistake. Though, he has a billion more dollars than I do, so I don't think he can mistakes in the same way that I can.

OK, see, now I think it's gonna be Phil. I think he's too beloved to lose. People have seen into his soul patch and they like what they saw — a soft squishy thing, a hint of shag carpeting, some barely used dumbbells sitting in a mildewed corner, mysterious socks lying under the couch. They have seen into Phil's basement boy's room essence and, compared to Crystal's — which is spikier, harder to traverse — it looks a little like heaven. Like the kind of thing they want to be. Like, well, a beautiful day.