Naomi Campbell is on Oprah today explaining that she is a rage-aholic who punches cameras because she had a sad childhood. Aw. And because she was too tall to be a ballet dancer. Luckily Oprah's here to fulfill her fantasies.

Yes, Oprah's show got her onto the stage of the Bolshoi ballet so that Naomi Campbell, a woman who has absolutely nothing, can fulfill one of her childhood fantasies. Oh, it was so hard for Naomi go back to ballet class, you see, because they told her she couldn't wear a tutu because her legs were too long. That hurt her self esteem and now she has to hurt the help to make up for it. See, ballet! It's all your stupid fault. But we're glad that Oprah helped Naomi get over it, because there really isn't anyone in this world who needs help more than wealthy and beautiful Naomi Campbell, who, in addition to being wealthy and beautiful, has a wealthy and hot Russian oligarch at home to take care of her.

Thank heaven for that Oprah, always healing the world.