On last night's episode of America's favorite teen-centered morality play, we learned an age-old secret and traveled to a faraway and mysterious place that the Indians called "Bushwick."

Last night everyone was lying to each other, like always. "I'm not sad about us breaking up," Chuck said to Blair. "Serena never left you a message and we're just friends," Jenny cooed at Nate. "Yeah, Chace, you're doing a great job," the director said to Chace Crawford, staring at the floor and clearing his throat awkwardly. It was just that kind of episode. Lie built upon lie built upon lie. "No, you look nothing like a Danish barracuda, Dan," Vanessa said to a self-conscious Mr. Humphrey. Sometimes lies are necessary, I suppose. Sometimes they just are.

And sometimes boring stories about old people are necessary, too. I haven't figured out why that is just yet, but apparently it is the truth. They must be, given how much Lufus (Lily/Rufus) time we were given this week. See remember when she went to go care for her ailing mother and then mysterious things happened and Rufio figured out that Lils had been with her ex-husband, Serena's dad, over the summer and then she disappeared again? Well it turns out she was with Father van der Snoodsen again. Not because she is exchanging genital molecules with him, no. Because she has a sick. Yes, Lily has an unnamed illness that is referred to, once, as "the C-Word." Lily is sick with an upcoming Laura Linney Showtime show? Terrible! We assume she means cancer, but they never actually say it. So who knows.

Anyway, Serena's dad has been treating Lily's cold, and that's why they were together, not for sex purposes. Lily didn't want to tell Rufus about her chlamydia because she didn't want to see his old pound puppy face droop and say "Awww cinnamon" when she told him the bad news. And who can blame her! The big fun of the whole Serena's Father the Hero plotline is that William Baldwin plays the reformed scoundrel and it is amazingly weird how much he can sound like his older brudder Alec sometimes and also maybe he is doing an impersonation of him? Which would be quietly devastating, given that he is playing one of the ancients on Gossip Girl. Not very dignified. More dignified than anything Stephen's doing, certainly, but not exactly It's Complicated (OK, bad example). So anyway. William Baldwin. Old people drama. Whoopty.

Speaking of Whoopty! Dan and Vanessa are upset. You see, Dan wrote a really important play called Old Uncle Ollie's Fantastical Treasure Chest and submitted it to NYU's Tisch School of Tisching and hoped to get in as a transfer student. But little did he know that Vanessa also wrote a play, called for cavewoman girls who have considered suicide when rainbow colored chunky Canal Street jewelry is enuf, and sent it to Professor Tisch for consideration. And you know who got it? Vanessa! Ohhhhhh burrrrnnnnnn. Dan's penis shriveled up into an emasculated craisin and he made a grunty sort of grimace with his face and went "Unnnn uughghnnnnnn" when she told him and then fell off his coffee shop stool. Oops, Vanessa. Big time oops.

To make matters worse, there is a girl named Willa who lives at Tisch and really wants Dan to come too so she started to meddle with things and got her dad, who happened to be on the board of directors, involved and basically Vanessa was going to get screwed. "Unnnnugughhhhhh...." Dan said as he tried to warn Vanessa, his phantom balls tingling where his real ones used to be. Vanessa poked and prodded him with her club, trying to get him to say words, but it didn't work. So they just moaned and ooked at each other while all of Tisch crumbled around them. I think in the end Dan decided it's aight that V is gonna steal his dream, he's just going to go buy a vagina and lie down for a while waiting for his first period. BOYS SHOULD NEVER LOSE TO GIRLS.

What's next! Oh yes, Blair. Blairbie is sad because her little catfish Chuckles swam away from her. Or she from him. Something. Anyway, she had Dorota dispose of her shadowbox full of Chuck-related memoreez and decided to meet some new guys. So she organized a little meet-and-greet, inviting over twelve of New York's most eligible early-twentysomething bachelors to eat chocolate-covered strawberries and drink tea at her house. Horribly, no one showed up. Which is crazy! What straight guy wouldn't want to go eat petits fours in an Upper East Side manor with eleven other dudes and one girl?? That is just what straight young men enjoy doing in their free time. And yet, no one showed up. So something must have kept them away. Something like... a fatwa.

Yeah, this is a word that someone on the Gossip Girl writing staff learned recently, so they thought it would be funny to use it a lot. Chuck issued a fatwa on Blair's dating life. Meaning no boy would date her, lest they incur the wrath of Chuck or something. So Blair was pissed and decided she needed revenge. She ended up talking to Dan, who was all "There's a cool hipster warehouse party in a neighborhood called Bushwick." Blair decided that was perfect. She needed to get out of Manhattan and into this Bushwick. She put on her favorite hobo costume from Halloween and nervously told the cab driver "Take me to the land across the black waters." The party in Bushwick was not like any party in Bushwick has actually ever been. First, there were no bedbugs. Second, people like Dan were invited. There were lit-up sculptures made of Christmas lights and stuff ("Is that an Aaron Rose," Blair asked disgustedly, in a little nod from the writers that they think made up for Aaron Rose but did not, in any way) and a full bar and a cute boy from Columbia for Blair to flirt with. Again, not like any real party in Bushwick. If it had been a maybe-cute-under-all-that-beard guy who'd done a year and a half at Reed before winding up on his friend Luke's couch in Bushwick, well, I'd believe that.

Basically in the end Blair couldn't seal the deal and make Chuck jealous so she talked to Chuck, who was at the party, and was all "I loved you and you broke my heart and now I am going to be me, so goodbye to you." She then went home and saw that Dorota hadn't thrown out all the trinkets and knickknacks and odds bodkins from the Chuckles Chronicles. She took the box to her room and looked at all the old stuff and we got flashbacks. There was the green sparkle dress she'd worn when she first sang a sexy song at Chuck's sex club in season one. There were the suspenders and knee-highs she'd worn the night they played Japanese Hentai Fantasy on the 4 train. There was the riding crop she'd used to give him a punishing Christmas present. There were the overalls she'd worn when they'd gone pumpkin picking at Drumlin Farm. All that fun sexy stuff they used to do. Blair remembered it. She smiled.

The reason that Chuck was at the party was because of Serena and Jenny. See, Chuck's dear old friend Natalie was having goil problems. Serena has been all secretive about her dad being back in town and her mom's colitis. Nate doesn't like that, and so has been pushed into the trembling, waiting arms of Jenny. Under Chuck's tutelage, Jenny played a game of making Serena suspicious, in the hopes that her suspicion would drive Nate right into Jenny's rocky loins. And it worked! Sort of. Basically Serena and Nate kept missing each other, because they have very busy not-going-to-school schedules, and Jenny just always happened to be there. Finally Serena and the Natemonster got in a big fight and Nate cried and ran off to Chuck's house. Even though the two aren't the best of friends at the moment, Chuck's offer of a faraway Brooklyn party and a few spirits sounded just up his alley. "I invited a local tourguide," Chuck purred, and then pressed a button and Jenny, dressed in a bustier and high heels, descended into the room in a pneumatic tube. "Hello Nate," she oozed. "We've been waiting for you." Chuck belly laughed loudly. "To the Chuckcopter!" he declared, pressing another button and disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Once they were in Bushwick, Jenny tarted it up even further, hanging all over Nate and drinking alcomohols with him. At one point Dan's little lovepup Willa saw Jenny and was all "Who's that rando slut?" and Dan was like "Unnghhun hnnggguhhhhh" and yet another woman had cut him to the quick. Eventually Nate was all "I don't wanna be here, I just wanna dance," so he and Jenny wound up going back to Chuck's place and drinking a bottle of Alcohol brand alcohol. There they were doing shots and tittering at each other and comparing bra sizes, when the conversation suddenly turned dark. Serena. What is one to do with the shifty, lying Sabrina? Jenny shook her drunken head and said "Starlina is so mean to you. You need someone else. You can do better than her." Nate nodded his head and Jenny looked at him with hungry, wooden eyes and as she leaned in to kiss him, she did not notice a tuft of dirty blonde hair walking into the room. Nate pulled away, not because he saw his girlfriend entering the room, but because Jenny's lips were too soft and small. He was used to tough, strong, cologne-scented kisses. Jenny felt rebuffed and then, startled, noticed they had company. "Sarlacc! Huh-hi. Hi. We were just playing Dr. Kissmouth. I mean we were playing Pin the Jenny's Lips On the Nate's Archibald." Sangria shook her head and started yelling at Nate. At one point Jenny tried to chime in, but Sri Lanka brutally cut her down. "I'm talking to Nate, Jenny." Oohhh. Then Nate told Jenny to leave and little Humphs' evil plans were dashed asunder. Oh well. Time for her to be lonely, again. Always. She's leaving the show anyway. Eff her.

So I guess Nate and Sabina are together again, so... sigh. At the end of the episode we saw William Baldwin scheming with somebody because, duhhhhhhh, obviously Lily isn't really sick. He's just using that as an excuse to stick around and rebuild his relationship with Sarafina. Terrible trickery! Terrible, obvious trickery.

Well, actually, that was the second-to-last scene in the episode. The last one concerned Erik. You see, we learned earlier in the episode that he was at Andover with the Constance Billiards Academy debate team. And at the very close of last night, we got to see him be a master debater. Oh does that boy like to master debate! He'd master debate all day if he could. He once got caught master debating in the school bathroom! Anyway. He was debating love vs. rationality, brain vs. heart. He was to take the side of rationality. He was prepared and ready. He hadn't master debated all week just to save up enough master debating juices for this big competition. He was going to be a champion for reason and intellect, not silly emotional whims. But then he saw his adversary. A tall, sandy-haired Andover junior, named Derrick Credwell. Derrick had a broad-shouldered frame that tapered down to a crisp little waist. Erik had heard through the master debating grapevine that Derrick played lacrosse in the fall and jai alai in the winter. He had heard that Derrick drove a beat-up old Saab and frequently read a dog-eared copy of Another Country. And as Erik looked across the debating room at him now, he knew that the game was lost, that he would not master debate ever again if it was not with Derrick. He removed his powdered white master debating wig and turned to the officiator. "Sir, I cannot argue reason when mine own heart has so suddenly o'ertook my body so." The officiator, swooning himself at the Credwell boy's stone mason jaw, cleared his throat and said "Yes, yes. So we shall say that Andover wins by forfeit." The home audience cheered and Derrick beamed like a sunset in the Nantucket Sound and once the crowd had cleared and Erick had gathered up all his master debating material, he nervously approached Derrick. "H— Hi. I'm... Uh, I'm—" but Derrick cut him off. "You're Erik van der Woodsen. You're a legend. I actually looked you up on Facebook. And I think about you all the time when I'm master debating." And somewhere, far off, a gavel banged, over and over and over again.

That's it. Brian, tell us who was illin' last night. Thanks Richard. Here are the sad, sad power rankings brought to you this week by the letter C (for cancer).

Dorota:
Family Secrets: Blair keeps her from telling about her mysterious first husband: -1
Personality Flaw: Not light on her feet: -1, Has bizarre Polish wisdom about love being like a head wound: +1
Power Play: Gets blamed for Blair's brunch failure: -1, Knows what Blair wants before she does: +2
Total: 0
Season to Date: 75
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Family Secrets: Ruins Dorota's backstory because she needs advice that doesn't end with "and then I came to America": +1, Finds time to pick on her step brother even when he's not around: +1
Fashion Points: A sequined butterfly is attacking her bosom!: -2, A fierce overcoat with nice details around the hem: +1, Dresses like Vanessa to go to Brooklyn: +1 (for authenticity) and -1 (for dressing like Vanessa): 0 sum
Personality Flaw: Her keepsake photo of Chuck is a Gossip Girl publicity still with all the other characters cropped out: -1, Doesn't recognize Dorota's strange Polish wisdom: -1
Power Play: Goes to Dan, of all people, for help: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Wants a new man: +1, Haunted by Chuck even in Brooklyn: -2, Can find a man of privilege even at a Brooklyn loft party: +2, Talks to Chuck maturely about their relationship for the first time ever: +3
WTF: Stop it with the word "fatwa": -1
Total: 1
Season to Date: 12
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Really pulls off the "rumpled after a three-day bender with hookers" look like no one else: +1, Looks great in a bathrobe: +1
Power Play: He and Jenny are a good team: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Doesn't know how to apologize to Blair: -3, Blair walks out on him: -2
Social Schemes: Gives Little J a plan to get rid of Serena so they'll be friends again: +1, Keeps all the suitors from attending Blair's Brunch: +2, Has a mole in Blair's dorm: +2, Blair could have broken his "fatwa" with the hunky guy from Columbia: -1, His Jenny/Nate/Serena plan almost works: +1 (for effort)
WTF: Goes to a Brooklyn art party and doesn't make fun of it: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: 12
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Bonus: She has cancer. There is no defense against cancer: +20
Family Secrets: Finally tells everyone she has cancer and was with her ex-husband because he's treating her, not fucking her: +2
Fashion Points: Wears more turquoise jewelry than a 60-year-old hippie at a New Mexican art colony: -2, She does look good for a cancer patient: +1
Personality Flaw: Leaves Eric out of the "cancer talk": -2
Power Play: Serena is being nice to her for a change: +1, Her ex is trashing her to Serena: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Her apology to Rufus sucks: -2
Social Schemes: Her ex is poisoning her!: -3, There is something very fabulous old-school Dynasty about being poisoned by an ex-husband: +2
Total: 16
Season to Date: -7
Power Position: Up (thanks to the big C)

Homewrecker Jenny:
Family Secrets: Her brother doesn't defend her honor: -1
Fashion Points: Wearing Serena's shirt at Nate's: +1, The dress at the Brooklyn party is so tight and short it must be Serena's too: -1
Personality Flaw: The last person in New York to see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMA: -1, Goes from "0 to blackmail in 60 seconds": +2
Power Play: Has Chuck as an ally: +1, Gets called a slut by that stupid girl from the dorm who doesn't even know her: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Lays it on really thick with Nate: -1, Gets rejected by Nate: -2
Social Schemes: Her plan to take Nate's shirt and fuck with Serena works nicely: +1, Lies really well on the spot when Serena tells Nate she left a message with Jenny: +2, She loses, Nate kicks her out, and even Serena rolls her eyes at her: -3
WTF: Goes to a Brooklyn art party and doesn't make fun of it: -1
Total: -4
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Power Play: Everyone is always toying with Nate: Jenny, Chuck, and Serena all do it in one episode. They just buffet him about to and fro, his manbangs flopping about his forehead, and he has no clue but to fall for everyone's scams. Considering his group of friends, this is a chronic problem: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Manages to lose two girls simultaneously: -2, Has no defense against Serena once she drops the cancer bomb: -2
WTF: Goes to a Brooklyn art party and doesn't make fun of it: -1
Total: -9
Season to Date: -17
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
Personality Flaw: Let's his kids just wander around the city willy nilly: -1
Power Play: Makes a play to get rid of William: +2, It fails: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Is way too nice to Lily considering she has been lying about her health, whereabouts, and company for the past several months: -3, Stop being so forgiving: -1, In his defense, there really is no defense against cancer: +1
Social Schemes: William is taking over his life: -2
WTF: There's a Baldwin in his house!: -1
Total: -6
Season to Date: -27
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Family Secrets: Doesn't even defend his slutty sister, because he knows there is no excuse: +2
Fashion Points: Just the right amount of chest hair: +1
Power Play: Rejected by Tisch and his dreams are crushed: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Is a worse writer than his girlfriend: -1, Can't see that the crazy girl from the dorm totally wants him: -1, Gets all bitchy with the crazy girl from the dorm who then goes and tells Vanessa that Dan is trying to ruin her at Tisch: -2, Wants Vanessa to withdraw her application which is great for his career but bad for his prospect of ever getting laid by her ever again: 0 (cancels each other out), Vanessa is the one dissing him: -2
Social Schemes: Sets into motion getting Vanessa kicked out of Tisch: +2, Does it by mistake: -2, Is Blair's Virgil in o the hell of a Brooklyn art party: +1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Down

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Is wearing a pair of glittery Christmas trees for earrings: -1
Power Play: Got into Tisch: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Getting into Tisch is going to ruin her relationship: -2, Delete's Dan's voicemail: +3
Social Schemes: Dan's big mouth almost gets her thrown out of the program: -2, The crazy girl from the dorm fills her in on Dan's scheme that he didn't even know he set in motion: +3
WTF: Goes to a Brooklyn art party and thinks it's so cool she would never make fun of it: -2
Total: 0
Season to Date: -36
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Her shirt on Jenny doesn't look nearly as skanky: -1, Her earrings are larger than her brain: -2, The first lunch with her long lost father and she decides cleavage is a good idea: -1
Power Play: After months of planning and searching for him, she just runs into her father anticlimactically in her living room: -1, Believes her dad is some doctor's without borders hero: -2, That stunt where she jumps on a horse at the polo match finally comes back to haunt her: -1
Social Schemes: Falls for Jenny's "I have Nate's shirt" plot: -1, She is jealous of silly little Jenny: -1, Nate chooses her over Jenny: +2, She drops the cancer bomb on Nate. There is no defense against cancer: +3
WTF: The epic eyeroll when Jenny leaves the room: +2
Total: -3
Season to Date: -45
Power Position: Down