Oh, the innocence of childhood. Remember all those lovely toys we played with when we were younger? They were so colorful, fun, disgusting, haunting, sexual...wait we played with same childhood toys right? Check out these bewildering children's toy commercials.

Advertisements and reality are two completely separate things (sorry gullible youths). Most toys are imagined by unimaginative geriatrics on the highest, oxygen-deprived floors of office buildings which leads to absolutely horrible and ridiculous toys. How can they sell such crap? Commercials that confuse, lie, intimidate and simultaneously impress their audience to the point that they don't even know what they're buying, but they damn sure will buy it.

Mr. Bucket
After Mr. Bucket made this commercial he was mysteriously banned from ever coming in contact with kids. I wonder why.

Topper Toy Sixfigger
Hey mom! Look at my totally realistic shooting finger! Old commercials are so endearing you almost have to believe them.

Swing Wing
I've always wanted to look like a pigeon! Finally, with this twirly tassel on my head I can bob my head without looking like an idiot!

Mice Hockey
Apparently the precursor to Nok Hockey was a terrible, unfun trap. Using sticks to awkwardly poke at a puck in a fake cheese mold seems like its training kids to unclog drains.

Baby Laugh-A-Lot
For some reason, kids laughing for long durations is creepy. Other kids chiming in is scarier. Having a ominous narrator laugh too is simply terrifying.

Hulkamania Workout Set
Relaxing in your room just being fat and lazy. BAM! A huge muscle bound behemoth breaks down your wall. And then tells you to work out. What an asshole.

Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow
Nothing is more rewarding than milking a cow yourself. Except when its watery milk that you pump using a cow's head.

Amazing Pet
Why would you ever purchase something so disgustingly realistic for your child? And could there be more sexual innuendos in this commercial?

Baby Wee-Wee
Baby Wee-Wee. That's really all that needs to be said.

Star Wars Action Figures
Star Wars must have fallen out of fashion since they needed to use the guise of soccer to make it entertaining. Maybe it's time for Star Wars to fade out? Can I say that?