We have watched the much-ballyhooed all-Madonna hour and we were not unchanged. Neither were the virgins and lovable losers in New Directions. Let's wallow in the afterglow before moving on with our lives, if we can.

I woke up today with "Express Yourself" in my head, but a little empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The musical numbers last night were amazing, and there were some direct homages to the Material Girl and some clever re-imaginings, but it seems like the music took over the plot rather than the other way around. Glee's strength was always in finding the right music for the story and when it stops doing that, then it's just an iTune selling device and not a real show. The plot didn't progress that much last night, but maybe that's just because we're slowing down from the breakneck pace of the first half of the season. There were lots of tunes jammed into the show, so let's start looking at what they really meant.

"Express Yourself": In 30 years, this will be known as Madonna's anthem, and its message of female empowerment and taking control of the men in their lives became the theme of the entire episode. This faithful arrangement, with each of the girls taking turns on lead and dancing with the outfits and choreography inspired by the iconic performance during the Blonde Ambition tour—and subsequent Truth or Dare documentary—was just the right way to ease us into the Madonna-thon.

Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, heady on the brew of blackmail, is demanding that Madonna be piped into the hallways and some of the kids in the school shipped off to New York City with only $35 in their pocket. For some—like babygay Kurt and Mercedes—that would be a blessing! The reason she wants everyone to find this empowerment is a bit murky, but we're going along with it for the sake of the plot.

As for Rachel, she's feeling pressure from her new boyfriend Jesse St. James to "do it," which is strange because they have some really gay dates and and he's worried about the Care Bear that Rachel won for him playing Skee Ball. Are we going to find out that Jesse is really a 'mo? Anyway, he wants to do it and Rachel's not ready and when she tells him this, he bolts and doesn't even take his Care Bear. She believes in love, and she's got something to say about it, and it goes something like this. Let's just hope that this means growing out of Jesse's shadow to find the spotlight of her own.

When Rachel tries to get some advice from the girls (and BG Kurt) about Jesse, Tina tells the group that her new BF Artie is trying to change her appearance because she is too goth. We like her look, but that eyeshadow is working our last nerve. Tina, darling, you are not Asian Divine.

The least empowered of all is Emma. She is so trapped inside her coffin of emotional dysfunction and OCD that Sue Motherfucking Sylvester won't even let her listen to Madonna. That is a fate worse than death. SMFS' witheringly accurate takedown of Emma's emotional state was a bit sad to watch, but at least it's pushing her toward doing something about her condition.

"Borderline"/"Open Your Heart": Like "Burning Up," which got a cameo in the hallway during the episode, "Borderline" is one of the more under-appreciated tunes in Madonna's early catalog. It gets short shrift here as well and is subsumed by the inferior "Open Your Heart" (I always liked the video better than the song) in yet another mashup. Some people sitting on my couch watching the episode enjoy the mashups way more than I do, so I'm not going to formally come out against them entirely, but laying up on the trope might not be a bad idea. What was amazing was the Madonna career retrospective going on in the background when Rachel and Finn walk down the hall and there are a bunch of Madge-alikes chillin' in the hallway. It was a wonderful injoke for all the die-hard fans who have a time line of her looks in their minds.

There was lots of heart opening going on. Due to some weird edict Sue passed down for the cheerleaders to destroy younger men and grind them under the heels of their matching sneakers, the Cheerios are all trying to date younger men. Brittanny of course goes for a seven-year-old, but Santana has her heart set on Finn. At first he's trying to stay true to Rachel, but after singing this song with her, he decides that he just wants to go ahead and lose his virginity.

Rachel is all worked up after getting vocally jiggy with Finn. She knows that she loves him, but when Jesse apologizes, she says she's ready to have sex with him, mostly to try to hold on to the relationship. Finn tells her in a huff that nothing bad better come of her relationship with Jesse, so she has to do everything she can to hold onto it, including the big "it."

Thanks to Sue's underhanded pep talk and a very embarrassing session where she can't talk to Rachel about sex because she's never had it, Emma decides to give herself over to Will. In classic Emma fashion, she plans the event out to the very second so that she can have complete control over the event. She's not so much opening her heart as leaving it slightly ajar.

"Vogue": Since it proved so popular here is a reprise of our side-by-side comparison of Glee's and Madonna's versions of this all-time great.

We were wondering how they were going to work the video into the episode and it wasn't too awkward, but the financial marvels of a supposedly cash-strapped school (the new costumes for "Express Yourself" and the choir for "Like a Prayer" also come to mind) are getting to be a little much. However, Sue Motherfucking Sylvester tells us that the reason she makes so much fun of Will's hair (also getting to be a little much, but luckily the increasingly-meta show addressed it) is because her hair can't grow thanks to a childhood accident. She also told Kurt and Mercedes about her "handicapable" sister. That was a brilliant choice of words, because in any other context, SMFS would have spit that PC gem with a little bit of venom attached, but when discussing her own sister, it became a steely defense against a prejudiced world. No wonder our anti-hero loves Madonna. She can twist around meaning just as skillfully. This was also a clever way to get Kurt and Mercedes on SMFS' radar.

"Like a Virgin": As far as I'm concerned, this was the highlight of the night. This breakthrough hit rearranged for six co-ed voiced and then ironically reapportioned to be about really losing ones virginity was nothing short of fantastic. Rachel's little-purple-riding-hood nightie on the other hand, less so, but a perfect fit for her character. This song is all about finally having sex with someone the singer cares so deeply about it's like having sex for the first time. In this case, it's really just about having sex with someone one doesn't care about.

Rachel throws herself at Jesse (really, is Jonathan Groff destined to pop Lea Michelle's cherry in every single role she stars in for the rest of eternity?), Santana overlooks Finn's dowdy bathrobe, and Emma and Will have a romp for the ages. But then we cut away and see that these are the nervous imaginings of the three before they actually do it. It was a brilliant reveal at the end of the song that gave the new twist another poignant nuance. They all imagine their first time to be something sexy and romantic and perfect, but when it comes down them, two of them can't make the fantasy a reality.

Rachel decides that she's not ready. Her rationale has something to do with not betraying her Glee-mates, which is kind of a cockamamie excuse, considering that she's lying to them about seeing Jesse in the first place. He counteracts this by moving into the school district and joining New Directions. We think it has less to do with his love for Rachel and more to do with his plot to destroy the competition. Of course she lies to Finn and says that she slept with Jesse. He is suitably jealous.

Finn on the other hand did go through with it (we bet it was quick!) and feels badly about it because it didn't mean anything. We hope Santana didn't give him anything. Also, how could the moment pass and we didn't get one joke about the car hitting the mailman? Finn also lies to Rachel and says he was chaste. He is ashamed that his action had so little meaning and is trying to make himself look better in her eyes.

Emma wasn't ready for all the sloppy secretions of sex either and ran from the house without her shoes (and what sort of OCD germaphobe would go out in public barefoot and wear a pair of pumps again after they'd been touched by another person?). At least now she is going to get some help. Good luck, Emma. You're gonna need it.

"4 Minutes": This duet with Justin Timberlake from Madonna's latest album is about the power of music to literally "save the world," but with a wonderful marching-band scoring some cheerleading choreography (!) it's really about the destructive power of music. Mercedes and babygay Kurt aren't feeling the love and attention they need from Mr. Schuester so they've gone to the dark side and joined the Cheerios. Sue MF Sylvester obviously only wants them to cause problems with the glee club, but letting a babygay and a chubby black girl on her squad is progress in some way.

And this isn't the only fracture that we see in the group. Everyone is very reluctant to accept Jesse-come-lately into the fold. With him and Finn competing for the lead, Rachel torn between the two, and infighting among the rank-and-file for the little scraps of glory that are left, New Directions is set on self-destruct.

OK, I take back what I said about this episode being light on plot. I guess this is just setting the foundation for the bombshells to come.

"What It Feels Like for a Girl": I have always hated this song (and the over-indulgent Guy Ritchie video) but this rendition of boys singing the song saved it for me. Not only is it more lyrical and melodic than the Madge track, but it heightened the meaning of it as well.

It certainly got the boys in line. Artie apologized to Tina for treating her like an object, but that was his only choice after the righteous blade of her anger cut him in two. Puck was a little dickish about not wanting to sing this song, and that really annoyed me for some reason. Maybe because he said it with his shirt on.

The most changed though was Finn, who confessed to Rachel that she really liked him and he messed it up. The little tweety bird in her soul gasping for air when she said, "You really liked me?" was heartbreaking. But she has chosen Jesse, and Finn maturely made room for the new man in her life. We can't wait to see the motherfucking sing off! Also, Jonathan Groff has the best hair in the entire universe. Just saying.

"Like a Prayer": Fucking god-damned piece of shit American Idol. The country's favorite karaoke competition went five minutes over so anyone who was watching Lost and saving Glee for later (like me) or planned to watch on DVR got shafted from seeing the final "Like a Prayer" number, which we had to find on a lovely website. The song was great, but the gospel choir was a bit over-the-top. We barely have enough room for the twelve voices we're accustomed to, not to mention an inexplicable choir. But still this is a great version of a classic ditty.

What are we praying for? We're praying for the networks to get together and come to some kind of DVR accord where the technology can compensate for programming overages. Also that they will stop starting shows at 9:59 and ending them at 11:02 and shit like that to mess up the recording of everything else the entire night. Is it really that hard to set the show to start at 10 and end at 11? It's what programmers have been doing for decades. Why is it so hard to muster now?

"Ray of Light": We will leave you with this wonderful "Ray of Light" cheerleader number complete with stilts. Stilts! This thing is fucking amazing and if Madonna doesn't appropriate it for her next stage show, she is an idiot.

And thanks for this, Glee and Madonna. We hope this episode sells so many songs for the both of you in iTunes that you do it again.