TONIGHT: Our favorite faux-lebrities begin competition on Dancing With the Stars, Nurse Jackie and The United States of Tara premiere while Secret Life of the American Teenager and Be Good, Johnny Weir have their finales.

8:00 PM

Dancing With the Stars Season Premiere. The 10th season of everybody's parents favorite show opens up tonight with the 11 star-studded couples dancing either the Viennese Waltz or the Cha-Cha. (ABC)
How I Met Your Mother Ted pulls another "Ted" when he ruins Lily's birthday by bringing a cringe-worthy date to her birthday dinner. Laura Prepon is set to guest star, so I think it's safe to say that Karen's back. (CBS)
Chuck Tonight marks Chuck's final test mission—which determines his value as a spy. (NBC)
Life Unexpected Lux, Cate and Baze are on their best behavior in front of a social worker that visits to decide the custody of Lux. (The CW)
Good Eats How to make chicken dumpling soup—the perfect meal for rainy days. (Food Network)
Top Gear Michael Sheen appears on the show and takes a drive. (BBC America)
Secret Life of the American Teenager Season Finale. In the second season finale, John celebrates his first birthday while Adrian's secret is exposed. (ABC Family)

9:00 PM

Gossip Girl Bad-guy Damien pressures lil' Jenny Humphrey to have sex, Lily finally reveals her secret to Rufus, Chuck faces decisions about his hotel, and Dan and Vanessa "try something new." They've already had a threesome with Hillary Duff, so I'm curious as to what could possibly be next! (The CW)
24 Day 8: 4am - 5am. Jack leads field agents on a dangerous mission as the NSA intervenes in a CTU operation. (Fox)
Trauma Rabbit's therapy begins to pay off, a patient suffers because of Diana and Nancy's opposing opinions, and Tyler and Boone contemplate their future. (NBC)
Two and a Half Men Tricia Helfer guest stars as Chelsea's college friend, Alan has a surprising effect on a patient. (CBS)
Ultimate Cake Off Tonight's featured wedding has a fairy-tale theme to it. (TLC)
Unwrapped Comfort foods: Popeye's Chicken, Hershey's chocolate, Bundt Cakes, and Celestial Seasoning's Sleepytime tea are all spotlighted in what sounds like the dreams I'm beginning to have now that I'm on a summertime-is-coming diet. (Food Network)

10:00 PM

Greek The frat houses prepare for a Golf tournament while ZBZ gets ready for their version of a Beauty Pageant. Rusty discovers Cappie and Evan's secretly-renewed friendship while Calvin and Grant have a lover's quarrel over their Spring Break plans. (ABC Family)
Nurse Jackie Season Premiere In the second season opener, Jackie is trying to overcome her indiscretions and make a renewed commitment to Kevin and the girls. Unfortunately, things don't go quite as planned. (Showtime)
Kell on Earth No thanks to the economy, Kelly rents out a part of her office to net more income. (Bravo)
Damages Patty tracks down Carol Tobin, Emily's family life goes haywire, and Frobisher begins to make his move. (FX)
Law & Order When a man shoots four cops to death, the ensuing trial pits cops versus detectives. (NBC)
CSI: Miami Horatio's son returns from a tour of duty overseas and enlist's his father's help when a friend becomes a suspect in the murder of a Muslim man. (CBS)
Castle Part One in a Two-Part Series. Beckett and Castle work with a skilled federal agent (played by Dana Delany) to track down a serial killer. (ABC)
Be Good, Johnny Weir Season Finale. (10:30) Johnny celebrates New Year's at his favorite Russian restaurant and takes a trip to Vancouver. (Sundance)
The United States of Tara Season Premiere. (10:30) Season two begins with Tara in a happy place: her personalities haven't visited her in months. Things don't look so good for Marshall, who has recently come out to his schoolmates. (Showtime)

Who's on the Late Night Couches Tonight?

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Tom Bergeron, Demi Lovato, the All-American Rejects (ABC)
Lopez Tonight: Dakota Fanning, Gene Simmons, Boys Like Girls (TBS)
Chelsea Lately Kelly Cutrone, Matt Braunger (E!)
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, Ernie Johnson, k.d. lang (NBC)
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: Mark Valley, Rogue Wave (NBC)
Late Show with David Letterman: Greg Kinnear, Lacey Brown, Michael Buble (CBS)
Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson: John Cusack, Wolfgang Puck (CBS)