For far too long, women have lived under the tyranny of men, especially in their romantic relationships. This treaty devoids them of any attachment to any male, be it emotional, physical, or sexual. We hereby declare:

1. A woman should not only be independent, but she should implore all other women to be independent. She does not need a man for anything, unless it entails cuddling, snuggling, necking, copulating, or rock climbing. Then a man is needed.
(a) Any women who needs a man should be able to engage in their relationship without messy emotions getting in the way. The man, being a man, should agree to this arrangement.
(b) The arrangement is null and void if a man begins to feel a swell of feeling for a female somewhere other than his groin. Then he will try to take control of the woman by pressuring her into a relationship.
(c) When pressure is applied, the women should back out of the arrangement, withholding companionship, intimacy, and intercourse, until it is clear that she is interested in the man for nothing more than physical altercation. During this period, all shared sleeping spaces must be divided among the participants. This does not mean, at any time, that either of their bedrooms need to be cleaned.

2. Men in committed relationships must stop hitting on, flirting with, macking on, talking to and otherwise engaging the attention of pretty, young, single ladies (all the single ladies). To stop this from happening the first question a single girl should ask any strange man is whether or not he has a girlfriend. Even if he answers no, assume the answer is yes, especially if he is walking around with a pixelated face to avoid being recognized.

3. If a woman tries to hit on a man with a girlfriend it is the role of the other females present to let her know that he man has a girlfriend and let her know that further action will be breaking the Great Don't Mess With My Man Accord of 1874 and that subsequent action will cause her to be punished under the Cut A Bitch Act of 1912. Also, present females must harangue a fellow sister if she drunk dials an asshole ex-boyfriend, and threaten to forcibly hang up the phone. She will most likely be ignored.
(a) If a woman harangues a fellow female for talking to her ex while drunk on the phone, the drunk dialer must make sure her attacker is entirely free of romantic entanglements herself. If she is not an independent woman, she should be called a hypocrite and embarrassed before God and anyone happening down S St, NW when the confrontation occurs.

4. A woman who is in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a man should try to be independent while he is away and their commitment is stretched across the two-hour span between Philadelphia and D.C. She is obligated to do everything in her power to stalk him over the internet, including telephone interrogations about the pictures of him popping up on websites. When he is unresponsive to these tactics, she must come and visit him for a week while continuously alluding to the fact that she wants him to propose. He will not take the bait, and she must return home to try to carry on her normal life.
(a) When she returns home internet surveillance must occur, followed by another irate phone call.
(b) At this point, the man must recognize that his woman is not independent and dump her. That way she will learn to stand on her own while he is away and he is free to chase any sort of skanky cat wearing leg warmers on her forearms that happens to wave its tail under his nose.

5. A real independent woman has a boyfriend but doesn't really talk to him. He calls to support her and she says thank you, and is nice, but then rushes off to get on with her life. Her emancipated does not mean she should be slutting it up with guys. No. She can flirt to score a singing gig at the greatest nightclub in the world but she must not go further than that. She leads by example and doesn't admonish the other women, she just steers them in the right direction. She is admirable, especially as she raspily warbles songs about breakups with hackneyed lyrics to an audience of over-wrought teenagers. Yes, she is a shining beacon. But she is also boring, and we can't remember her name.