There is cheap stunt cheaper than putting a lead character in automotive peril. It's so cheap it makes Serena's wardrobe look wholesome. Why, oh, why can't she die in a car wreck? Teasing us makes us powerless.

Almost as powerless as Serena, who managed to be stupider and sluttier than usual last night, and she spent most of the hour either trapped in a country house or lying in a hospital bed and she still managed to get on our nerves. Her mother didn't do any better, as ultimate mean girl Lily fell prey to a conniving bitch and her slutty daughter. Eric and Jenny had the lamest popularity feud in the history of television, Dan got the cold dready shoulder from Vanessa, and Chuck Bass was seeing things. Things were a little bit different on the Upper East Side, so the power was in a serious state of flux.

Dorota:
Power Play: Vanya gets a name check but she doesn't? She's slipping!: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: 55
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Family Secrets: His mother is alive!: +2 (for having a mom), His mother is alive!: -2 (for not knowing)
Fashion Points: Has a giant painting of Rachel Zoe on his wall. We read it as ironic: +1
Personality Flaw: Has a problem with feelings: -2
Power Play: Is haunted by the ghost of character actors past: -1, Not only does he have ghost dad messing with him, his fake step mother Lily is on him too: -2, Throws out Lily's flowers, which kind of ruled: +2, Better than his dad: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Blames Blair for feeling like a disappointment. Oh, hell no: -1
Social Schemes: Doesn't throw the homeless people out of his new building: +3
WTF: Has a full-on LSD flashback in the hospital: -1, It helps him grieve and get closer to Blair: +3
Total: 7
Season to Date: 29
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Giant houndstooth print blouse: +2, '30s inspired hat and coat: +1, Gets compliment on her outfit: +1
Power Play: Dan has to tell her about Serena's accident: -1, Was right about Trip: +2
Quip: "This is a homeless shelter. A) gross and B) really?": +1
Serena Bonus: Is not Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Brings Chuck breakfast in bed. She is not the help: -1, Chuck blames her for feeling like a failure: -2, Chuck is ignoring her booty calls: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Family Secrets: Lets Serena know his grandfather is away and that Trip has to be lying to her: +2
Fashion Points: Manbangs: +1
Personality Flaw: He does not do indignant well: -1
Power Play: Advises Dan to "man up." Please. Like this queen even knows what it is: -1, Punching Trip is the butchest thing he's ever done: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For wanting to bone her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks drama majors are sexy. Of course: -1, Can't help Serena: -1, Knows that the fastest way to Serena's heart is to give her drugs: +1, Stays at the hospital with Serena, which is kind of cute: +1, But she's Serena: -1
WTF: Hid pot in a book at the family summer home. That's our kinda guy: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: 11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: This outfit finally happened: -1, Exercises her accessory superiority: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Social Schemes: Banishes a minion to walk across the street: +2, Her minion is plotting against her: -1, So are Eric and his trolly little friend: -1, Please, like Eric poses a threat: +2, Has to buy her friends: -1, She still has minions to control: +2, Apologizes to Eric: -2, Still manages to hold on to power even though she's a shitty queen: +2, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3
WTF: Drug dealer Jenny! I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared for this storyline: +20
Total: 24
Season to Date: 1
Power Position: High

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily is keeping secrets: +2, Doesn't know what they are: -1
Personality Flaw: Has essentially become a Real Housewife of New York: +2, Stop feeding everyone!: -1
Power Play: Get's Lily's co-op proxy. That may sound demeaning, but there have got to be some seriously powerful folks who now have their fate in Rufus' guitar-strumming, chili-stirring hands: +4
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Lily wants to use "alone time" to confess her secrets, not engage in "rich lady and house painter" roleplay: -1, The co-op lady he is going to bang is a hot piece: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Power Play: Has a friend with a country house: +1, Worried about Serena even though they're not friends: +1
Serena Bonus: No Serena Bonus because she is Vanessa, after all. That's just as bad.
Sexual Intrigue: Dating some dude: +2, We haven't seen him, so he's either busted or imaginary: -1, Shoots down Dan: +20, Really, V? This guy bagged Serena and awesome Olivia. He also has serious man guns and you're going to say no? That's unwise: -3
Total: 20
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Money: Is so rich that he doesn't know how a vending machine works: +3
Personality Flaw: Is a lousy queen—in all senses of the word: -1
Power Play: Has a minion: +2, She's a weird little troll: -1
Serena Bonus: For having to put up with Serena for the rest of his life: +6
Social Schemes: Has a plan to take down Jenny: +3, It's kind of lame: -1, His plot gets foiled by Jenny: -1, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3, Is friends with the real queen again: +2
Total: 9
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: Her secret is getting out: -1, We have a feeling it's not so bad: 0 (just observation), Rufus still doesn't know: +1, Didn't tell Rufus when she should have: -1
Money: Her coat closet is bigger than most East Village studio apartments: +5, And that is just her closet for coats!: +2
Personality Flaw: Forgot it was the anniversary of her husband's death: -1
Power Play: Serena won't talk to her: -1, Wait, it's Serena: +2, Maureen thinks she's a skank: -1, Tries to save Chuck: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For giving birth to her: -6
WTF: At least we now know where Serena learned to be skanky and stupid: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: Manages to show major skanky cleavage while hanging in a cold country house alone. Can't someone give this girl a Snuggie?: -2, Put on her hospital gown backwards so she could show off her boobs: -1
Personality Flaw: "I want coffee and cable." Shut up, you whiny bitch. No wonder Trip left you alone: -2, As Maureen points out, she is "just a phase," like lesbianism in college: -2, Prefers Fitzgerald to Hemingway. We hate to agree with her on an intellectual matter, but: +2, Wouldn't even get a Chappaquiddick joke if we made one: -1, No one will believe her over Trip because she is a skanky crack ho and he is a U.S. Rep: -1
Power Play: Needs to turn up her tacky music: -1, Doesn't want Trip to run over some wolves because she thinks they are the wolf pack from Twilight: -2, Somehow, through all of this drama, she managed to help Chuck find his feelings: +2
Serena Bonus: For being Serena: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He boyfriend totally diddled Barney Frank to get a position on his committee: -1, Demoted from Jackie O to Marilyn: -2, Trip is totally playing her: -1, Her boyfriend leaves her for dead: -1, She turns on Trip faster than she'd inhale a line of coke off one of the tables at Marquee: +2, At least Nate still wants her: +1
WTF: She is trapped alone in a house in the woods. Why, oh why, couldn't there be a serial killer involved in this horror movie set up?: -1, She thinks she can leave Trip and catch a cab in the wilderness. You can't even catch a cab above 145th Street, what makes her think there will be little yellow life saver in this god-forsaken place? This is perhaps the stupidest thing Serena has ever said, and that is a very high bar: -5
Total: -19
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Down, down, down, down, down

Dan:
Power Play: Finds out about Serena's accident first: +2, Invites stupid Vanessa to the hospital. Does she even like Serena?: 0 (because we don't know, or care)
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Like he really needs to date another actress right now: -1, His new piece decorated her dorm room like it's the set from Clarissa Explains It All: -1, This slutty actress is serving him a piece on a silver platter and he turns it down: -1, Manages to grow a set and confesses his love for Vanessa: +2, He loves her after like a week?: -1, And it's Vanessa: -3, Vanessa doesn't want to date him. He went from bagging Serena and awesome Olivia to getting dissed by Our Lady of the Dreads: -100,000,000
Total: -100,000,000
Season to Date: -100,000,013
Power Position: He is devoid of all power