Due to an unfortunate circumstance involving cross-town traffic, we were not able to watch The City last night. Instead we had to piece together the action with party reports from our favorite freelancing society reporter.

Back to the Beach: Lifeguards Took Over Bergdorf
 By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

Last night everyone who was anyone under the age of thirty was at Bergdorf Goodman for Matt Albiani's photo book Lifeguard on Duty. Of course plenty of the lifeguards decorating the pages with their prodigious pectorals were in attendance and that brought out all the girls who were looking for a little piece of meat. As always with in-store shindigs, things got a little messy, especially when Tinsley Mortimer tripped over Fabiola Beracasa's wedge heel and spilled her vodka and cran all over a white baby seal gown that was hanging nearby. Let's hope she pays for dry cleaning!

By far the most interesting person in attendance, or at least the one attracting the most attention, was Whitney Port. We went over to the shoe department and she told me how earlier in the day, she and fellow PR girl Sammie Somethingorother were in Jeffrey boutique in the Meatpacking. They were talking about the party that night and how they needed a different pair of shoes for the type of guys they wanted to pick up. She even gave me a demonstration: white booties for hipsters, gold strappy gladiator sandals for the metrosexual, and boring flats for the Wall Street boys.

We wonder what kind of heels attracted Greenwich hottie and Nantucket lifeguard Harry Fackelmayer, because he was sniffing around Whitney and Sammy all night. Apparently, Sammie is friends with Harry's brother, Freddie, so she invited him and his friend to a barbecue later that week. She invited me too. Left off the guestlist is Roxy Carmichael, Whitney's friend and coworker who Sammie is not a big fan of. We wouldn't know what it's like to be slighted, but when you're a at a party as hot as this, it's gotta burn.

One Elle of a Party
 By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

It was an intimate affair for about 100 people at the book-strewn home of Elle magazine publisher Carol Smith, who stunned everyone in a pink gown that she must have borrowed from the fashion closet. I'm not entirely sure what the party was for, and I was too busy eating delicious sliders and french fries in tiny white paper cones to even care! In attendance, the usual Elle crowd, EIC Robbie Meyers, creative director Joe Zee, and Hachette EVP Pilippe Guelton. There were supposedly some designers in attendance, but I didn't see any. Either that or I didn't recognize them because I was looking for more delicious tiny hamburgers.

The person really working the room was socialite and Elle accessories editor Olivia Palermo. Everyone was introducing themselves and wanted to get to know her. She looked stunning, with her blond hair pulled back into a bun and this huge gray necklace that would only be more delicious if it was made of french fries. Erin Kaplan didn't like it too much, because she was giving Olivia the stink eye across the room all night. Maybe if she didn't have such a shitty attitude someone would ask her where she got her ugly blue dress. Oops. Did I say that?

Anyway, she left in a huff before the party was over. We bet the next day she gave Olivia a hard time at the office, telling her that the party was really work and asking when all the designers Olivia met—wait, we mean all the designers Olivia already knew who she ran into at the party—were going to send exclusives for Elle. Olivia is a girl of many talents, but reading the future is not one of them! But you don't need a crystal ball to know that everyone had a blast—even those of us who were really at the party for work!

Raising the Roof with Adam Senn and Jay Lyon
 By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

It was a little hard to get to, but the barbecue on the roof of Adam Senn and Jay Lyon's apartment building that Whitney Port and Sammie Whatshername invited me to earlier in the week was totally worth the trouble of hiking up all those stairs. First I was introduced to Senn and his girlfriend Allie. I asked what they did and Adam said "I'm Allie's boyfriend," and Allie said, "I'm Adam's girlfriend." Well, it looks like we're dining on Tautology Rooftop tonight, folks. It wasn't odd at all for Port, the ex-girlfriend of Lyon to show up at the party, because Lyon wasn't in attendance. Boy, she was lucky not to run into an ex and have him stolen right from under her nose. That would really suck!

Port was also fortunate that she could show up at all. People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone needed someone to work late on a Bluefly proposal for product integration into this show called The City, and Roxy Carmichael agreed to take the shift so Whit could go and get her party on. We're surprised that she still has a job, when she shows up wearing oversized T-shirts, tattered leggings, and hooker heels. That can't do anything to improve Cutrone's reputation.

But thanks to Roxy, Whitney got to meet Freddie Fackelmayer, who is a dreamy finance type with a George Hamilton tan, Antonio Banderas hair, and a Ron Jeremy dick. Yes, I know that because (full disclosure!) we dated for a bit. I wasn't jealous that Whitney and Freddie hit it off so well. It was almost as if it was predestined, like someone arranged for them to meet and fall in love and go out for a very romantic dinner a few nights later where they smile into each other's eyes and laugh and giggle. No. I wasn't thinking about the summer plans they would make or how he would slip his arm around her waist while walking down the street after dinner or that enormous knit tent poncho thing that she would actually wear on a date and think was flattering. No. I was very calm and not drunk at all. And that was not me running out of the party with mascara streaming down my face. I am a party reporter and it is fun. Fun! We all had fun!

[PS—Betsey Morgenstern is not a real person and does not work for Guestofaguest.com. If you didn't figure that out, then you aren't bright enough to watch The City, and that is sad.]