America's having rage issues these days. Celebrities, politicians and athletes are acting like jackasses. Promising young women are getting murdered. All in one one week. And it makes Nancy Pelosi cry. But that only stokes the anger. Ryan Seacrest, help!

The waterworks tweaked out a few mists at a press conference this afternoon, when Pelosi was discussing the pervasive, volatile anger that has infected our nation. It's all so familiar!

I have concerns about some of the language that is being used because I saw … I saw this myself in the late '70s in San Francisco. This kind of rhetoric is just, is really frightening and it created a climate in which we, violence took place and … I wish that we would all, again, curb our enthusiasm in some of the statements that are made.

Of course it's a big deal when politicians cry — especially when it's a girly-girl talking about gay San Francisco! — and it wasn't long before Pelosi's arch-nemesis, Rush Limbaugh piped up and called the display nothing more than "tears of a crown." "You know that's fake because you can't cry when you have botox all over your face." Some say she's only exasperating exacerbating the problem, like Drudge, whose headline highlights that she's warning us of political violence. So, now people are angry at her weepy anger.

One self-styled citizen "commentator" over at ABC News called her a "witch who should disappear." Another confessed his — or her? — dream: "I wish the the headline read: Nancy Pelosi chokes to death." The people miss the point: chill the fuck out. Never mind, though, because it's just Nancy Pelosi. She's a politician who has dedicated her whole life to her constituents and must be evil. Hogwash.

But, if some people don't think she's serious, let's look toward Hollywood. It's there, where the real heroes reside, that a man tried to attack Ryan Seacrest. And the guy had a knife on his person. And it went down in a Children's Hospital parking lot! Seacrest is fine.

Worried fans, however, are distraught. "Thank God nothing happened! Lock that suspect up for good," reads one comment. Another? "Thank God for security when you need 'em." And that's the real point in all of this: the national insanity endangers our celebrities!!

Don't you see, Rush and company? Even celebrities aren't immune! This is some real, real shit, people. Panic. Now.

Or, that's what Pelosi should have said.