We've got a big night of live-blogging in store, commenters: Two shows, back-to-back, spanning over two hours. Just thinking about it is making me sweat like a mountain goat at the beach.

I don't' know what that means — I just know that Fabio said it last week, and anything Fabio says is worth quoting, as far as I'm concerned. (Remember when he said "bunky bed"? Ah, memories …) So … where was I? Oh yes — two shows to live-blog, starting an hour earlier than usual: The premiere of the new Top Chef season kicks off at 9 pm Eastern, followed by the Top Chef Masters finale at 10:15 (both on Bravo).

For those who are new to this kind of party, it happens in the comments section below, where you (yes you!) get to do the actual live-blogging. I'm the "host," which means that – like Kelly Choi and Padma Lakshmi – my main job is to hand out a few instructions and look pretty.

Oh, and I also watch preview clips, which I've already done for both shows. Here are a few things to watch for on the Top Chef premiere:

  • Unwitty Brit (and nitwit) Toby Young will return as a judge (why, Bravo, why?) — this time sporting an ugly scar on his forehead. I don't know how it got there but if I had to guess, I'd say an enraged Top Chef fan tried to take matters into his own hands after hearing that Young was invited back on the show. (Nice try, whoever you are.)
  • The new group of 17 cheftestants look more "eccentric" than ever — including, for example, a French guy who actually wears a horizontal-striped shirt and neckerchief like the stereotypical Frenchman in children's books and political cartoons. Also, there will be many, many tattoos on display — so many, in fact, that this group of chefs looks a lot like the cast of Whale Rider.
  • One cheftestant will say: "A clam is an oyster, right?," just to remind us that this show isn't the "Masters" edition.
  • Padma will instruct each chef to "cook a dish based on a vice that you're guilty of." So don't be surprised if someone makes jerked chicken.

As if that weren't enough to digest, here are a few things to watch for on Top Chef Masters:

  • Hubert Keller will sport a different-colored chef's tunic, having apparently undergone a transformation: Instead of "Gandalf the White," he's become "Gandalf the Black-With-Pink-Piping."
  • The judges will include Tom, Padma and Gail, just to remind us (via direct comparison) how much more interesting they are than the stilted TCM hosting/judging crew.
  • Whatever the final result, history will be made: For the first time, a white male will win Top Chef Masters.

Well, enough prattling — time to pretty up my face before the shows start. While I do, I suggest you limber and/or liquor up, because we've got a lot of live-blogging to do tonight (not to mention tomorrow night, when Project Runway returns). So flex those fingers, and I'll see you at 9!

- MisterHippity