The Week We Forged Our Birth Certificates So We Can Become President in Forty-Six Years

This week everyone was racist forever. There is nothing to be said to deny it. Absolutely everyone was racist and awful but some people were more racist than others.

• OMG people would not shut up about Barack Obama's weird, mysterious birth. Did he come out of the sea borne on a giant shell? Was he found in an old tree stump burl kind of thing like in that Cranberries "Dreams" video? But most importantly who are these crazy people who buy into the crazy conspiracy theories? Oh dear. They are Lou Dobbs. Also they are sad lonely Delawareans. Give them their country back!
• Lydia Hearst was murdered this week (not really), as was Condé Nast, sort of. How will anyone survive that bloodbath?
• Alex Pareene finally launched his War on Space, while Cambridge police officers continued their war on black men sitting in their own houses.
• Speaking of crime! Even pretty white finance ladies are turning to the game to make ends meet. Pretty white politics ladies are possibly involved in malfeasance too! The world is upside-down! Even pretty white writer ladies have gone wild!
• Oh, phew. Some normalcy. The state of New Jersey is still massively corrupt. It's like being hugged by an old friend to read that news.
• TV shows: We watch them. No matter if they're about sad maybe-gay teenagers or sad maybe-crazy twentysomethings.
• Something happened with some sportscaster who was peeped while undressing in her hotel room and then everyone freaked out. Especially Bill O'Reilly, who just wants to watch the footage over and over again.
• The best/worst plot twist of all time was discovered this week, as was a tumor in a Beastie Boy's salivary gland. (That is actual sad news.)
• You know what TV stars do when they aren't on TV? They work in grocery stores. When they are filming TV shows, they actually spend most of their time running away from crazed zombie girls.
• No one understands what I mean when I say the word sad.
• Pat Buchanan is crazy. Also, unapproved commenters are crazy. (Srsly, read them in that post... Wowsers.)
• Anyway that's basically it! A quiet, sticky, muggy week. And my last full one. Tear! Goodbye Gawker Fridays!
• See you Monday.