This image was lost some time after publication.

Have you murdered or slept with someone you shouldn't have? Are you being forced to release some documents you totally don't want to? Do it right now. You'll never have a better opportunity.

There will be no news on the news tonight, so the magical power of a Friday afternoon newsdump is even more potent. Any weekend coverage will garner even less attention than usual, and by Monday we'll all be mourning the next celebrity tragically murdered by Twitter. So. Let's see.

  • Not only is Mark Sanford not resigning, he is comparing himself to the Biblical King David, who fell in love with a married woman after seeing her bathe, and then he killed her husband.
  • Democratic Representative Maxine Waters is fighting for her right to earmark money to name things after herself, and various on-the-fence Democrats now support the climate bill (they picked a good time to come down off that fence!).
  • And hey, what's this? "The Obama administration, fearing a battle with Congress that could stall plans to close Guantanamo, has drafted an executive order that would reassert presidential authority to incarcerate terrorism suspects indefinitely, according to three senior government officials with knowledge of White House deliberations." This is because dealing with Congress is impossible. Also arrrrrgh wtf.

Honestly, though? That last nugget aside, this is SMALL POTATOES. Step up your game, politicians!