The Week We Enjoyed a Fancy Burger

This week there was murder, and mustard, and abstinence, and autism, and then Oprah sparked the great fried chicken riots.

• Remember John Edwards? Nice hair? Love-child? Yes, well, his 2009 got a lot worse this week.
• No one liked the Christmas tree that noted blockhead Anna Wintour picked out. It just needs a little love!
• Noted maker-upper James Frey is adding a chapter to his book—a chapter about Oprah! It is the story of a woman who just wanted to give America free chicken, but there wasn't enough chicken for America. It is a moving tragedy for the Obama era. It is maybe also the story of how incredibly fucking irresponsible it was for that woman to get a TV show for an incredibly stupid woman who believes that scientists add magical autism trolls that live in tiny mercury houses to vaccines in exchange for all the Bud Lite Lime they can drink, in order to hurt the children of celebrities.
• This week, smooth criminal Kari "Hipster Grifter" Farrell went to jail forever, and Jay Bybee didn't. This story marked the first and last time a dude from Philly who is in a band was ever accused or either heroism or "snitching."
• Bristol Palin went on the TV to warn America's children about the dangers of swine flu, the disease that impaired her judgment so much that she was unable to "abstain" from having sex with her boyfriend on multiple occasions! That is the only excuse, girls of America. And always remember: if you get in trouble, blame the gays.
• There was a fancy party and everyone dressed up so nice! Except Lydia Hearst who refuses to wear clothes, ever, because the Symbionese Liberation Army brainwashed her.
• Apple will buy Twitter and Google will be trust-busted. Your tumblr about emails from hipster cats' moms won't get you a book deal.
• Ayelet Waldman is really, really good at fucking Michael Chabon. She is less good at writing things that don't make you uncomfortable.
• All the Real Housewives died in a wildfire.
• David Simon is really good at writing TV shows, but less good at figuring out what blogs do. Perez Hilton is good at neither.
• Wait, No Doubt is seriously going to be on Gossip Girl next week? Ok. That's verisimilitude, because that show is about suburban 14-year-olds in 1995, right? Right? After No Doubt plays prom, they should bring on Norm MacDonald to swear at everyone.
• There was a tragic, senseless murder at Wesleyan.
• Louis Caldera was fired for flying Air Force One into the Statue of Liberty, which the president hates as much as he hates real American condiments.
• Oh and then America did this to us: