OK Magazine recently hired a woman named Juliet Gray to "consult" with the publisher. "Consult" in this case means to "fire." Gray is an ax man but she likes to toy with her victims first.

The following is an email Gray sent out to all staffers on Friday. On Tuesday she plans to meet with everyone. We anticipate we'll be reporting massive lay-offs that afternoon. (Our answers in BOLD):

Hello all -

By 9am on Monday—no excuses—I need you to e-mail Jennifer Doll
answers to the following, which she will compile by noon and e-mail to
me.

Please be very specific:

Title.
Sheeeiiiit, if you have to ask, you'll never know.

To whom do you report and how long you have worked here.
I report only to God. I've worked here longer than you've been born, little miss.

2 to 3 sentence explanation of your job at OK!
Well, basically I get in at ten—even though work starts at nine but I'm so demoralized anyway what does it matter?—and check Facebook and also Gawker. My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in two weeks because he's busy and I'm stressed out about my job so I talk to some of the staffers about that. Then we go to Pinkberry for lunch. Afternoons are spent on eBay.

What have you worked on in the last few issues that you were
particularly proud of, felt truly defined and was a fabulous story for
and in OK? Be very specific here. If it is a story with multiple
contributors I need to know exactly what you contributed. Writer?
Editor?
Nothing. Specifically, absolutely nothing. Although, I did delete that woman's leg on the diet issue cover, out of spite. I'm proud of that.

What sets OK! apart from US Weekly, Star, Life & Style and every other
celeb tab on the stands? Be very clear here.
I think at US Weekly, Star et al, they'd just fire us as opposed to making us fill out this sadistic self-evaluation meant to strip us of our souls and rob our weekends the week before we lose our jobs.

What was your last celeb encounter/experience and what was the take away.
Johnny Galecki, that guy from Roseanne, sat next to me at Veselka last week and left a 12% tip. The take away is that he was a dick. And also, I took away half of my deluxe tuna melt too because I couldn't finish it.

What are two hot, buzz-worthy lifestyle topics and why.
Alternate Side Parking: When to move your car etc... because it affects a lot of our readers.
10 different types of concertina wire and their histories...because barbed wire is kinda cool. Am I right, JG?

Give me one non-news celebrity lifestyle cover package. Please sell
this to me in 3 sentences.
The Swine Flu. In one year we'll all be dead. OK magazine takes you into the hogpit.

What is your favorite magazine and why.
don't know. don't read 'em

I will be scheduling individual meetings with everyone on Tuesday, so
please plan to cancel any and all out-of-office appointments that day.
West coast editors MUST be available by phone when I call.

Thank you.

- Juliet
No, thank you Juliet!

Feel free to add your own answers and if you have any other OK news, send us an email.