The Week We Advanced Traditional Marriage

Everything was just really gay this week, right?

• Drudge: "I do not love sex with men... I adore it." No, kidding, he hates it. Still gay tho! :( Poor Matt. Poor Adam Lambert. Let's hear him add-an-inappropriate-screechy-vocal-run his way out of this one!
• Even more :( was the news that the beloved Beatrice Inn closed down this week. Oh no, now where will rich assholes go to be rich assholes? Everywhere else in New York?
• Sometimes putting Michelle Obama on the cover of your magazine helps with the sales, but sometimes your magazine sucks so much that it doesn't actually matter. Putting Levi Johnston on your daytime talk show, though? That's TV gold. Kid's going places! Like work, in his pickup truck! And then home!
• Who had a worse week: Lindsay Lohan or the ShamWow guy? Probably the ShamWow guy. Or maybe the editor of Paper magazine, he didn't even get to go to his own Beautiful People party!
• Gwyneth Paltrow is leeching Scarlett Johansson of her lifeforce. This will be shown in the unrated DVD version of Iron Man 2.
• Kate went to Brooklyn. She saw a hipster, and a skateboard, and a naked performance artist. She got scared.
• Facebook saved this woman's laptop and job! But then gay marriage ruined her life because that is what it does, to everyone. It is a gathering storm and we must fight it with JETS. Jets and teargas. That's the only way to be sure.
• A Google van was savagely attacked by a troll under a bridge in Pittsburgh. The troll reportedly carved a backwards Y! onto the driver's face.
• God, poor Richard had to watch two episodes of The Hills this week? Ugh. Maybe he had the worst week! Also: "I like that I'm likable. People like me."
• It's war at the Park Slope listserv! War! There's a Maginot Line built up along 5th Ave and childless Yuppies are already seeking refuge in neutral Prospect Heights.
• Breaking: Bristol Palin is a teenage girl. But we know how to help her reach her maximum potential!
• It turns out America doesn't actually want a new, blinder, friendlier Billy Joel for its new American Idol.
• Ha ha ha teabagging. Hah. It's funny because it's getting media coverage massively disproportionate to its actual significance and size, which is the opposite of how protest movements are usually covered.
• Dr. Kumar died this week, of politics. He will be missed.