What's so amazing that keeps us wannabe-stargazing? I mean, really. What is so amazing? This season is so bland and undercooked. And yet I keep trudging back, grumbling away week in, week out.

Songs From the Year You Were Born is one of the dumber theme nights. Mostly for the frequent and soul-crushing reminders of how young some of these people are, but also because it's so open and arbitrary it leaves people a lot of room to pick the wrong song. Or worse, a boring one.

The Good
 I liked Allison, I always like Allison, though I will admit that "I Can't Make You Love Me" was a slightly peculiar and off-tone choice for a sixteen year old girl. That's the sort of amber-colored tune that's best for weary old bar broads, not chipper and spunky girls who should be belting out funky white girl beats. I know 1992 (christ!) was a drab year for music in general, but there had to be something else. But still, she did well. The judges gave her glowing praise, but my cynical heart decided it was because they were trying to make her appear safe, thus reducing her likely votes. Sigh.

No one else sounded good. Really.

The Bad
 Krissy Allen. DialIdol has the beloved side-singer going home tonight, but I just can't believe it. I mean, not that his performance of "All She Wants to Do Is Dance," from 1985, was any good. It was loud and blaring and just sort of awkwardly uncomfortable. But he's the beloved triangle-mouthed dreamboat of this, our twenty-third American Idol season. He can't be 8th place. He just can't be.

Everyone else stank, too. Lil Rounds busted out "What's Love Got to Do With It," yet another Great song from a Great performer that Lil attempted to mangle. She has shown absolutely zero creativity in song choice this season—what would her record be like? bad mimicry—and doesn't have the vocals to make up for it. There was little nice to be said about the mess, but of course the judges tried their hardest. The thrill of the shill. Anoop bored again. Scott terrified with an electric guitar. And "Stand By Me" Gokey... well, Gokey was ridiculous bespectacled white boy idiot Gokey as usual. Kara, who should never try to dance, sitting down or standing up, just opened her legs and pulled out a bouquet of unicorns who were all burping gold doubloons and handed it to the fool. All the other judges slobbered too, and Simon did some weird math of "the beginning was okay, the middle was lazy, and the end was terrific, so it was great." Huh? Plus, Gokey always gets the same critique about his endings being awesome. If the only thing that's good about your song is that it ended, you have a problem.

Everyone loved Matt Giraud, but I found it to be as soulless and uninteresting and vaguely arrogant as all of his other forgettable performances. So, I'd like to see him go home now.

Lambs' Chops
 I hate Adam Lambert. We all know this. I think he's a fake. Last night didn't change anything. Of course he pulled out the emo angst mewling of Gary Jules' "Mad World" cover. Of course he did. Our little Donna Darko. But I realized something while watching his performance last night (OK, not last night, my DVR is somehow magic and knows what I like, so it cut off before he sang). He's going to win, 100%. And that's a good thing. It's a good thing because the boy is unabashedly as gay as the Finger Lakes and everyone knows it. And still he's the favorite. So if the sparkly Misfit pulls off the victory, I think that says something small but good about America in 2009. Homos are marrying in Iowa now, so it's time the gay guy won Idol. I don't like him as a singer, but I guess I can like him as a principle. So shine on you crazy zirconia. Shine on.

Back Where They Started From
 If DialIdol is to be believed, then, shockingly, it'll be bye-bye beautiful crooner. Otherwise I'd say Scott, but everyone says Scott every week and he never gets voted off so maybe actually he'll win.

Though, most likely, they'll just bring Megan Joy back and eliminate her again. Caw!