The show that has entertained millions for so long has finally died, in this its eighth year. We mourn those who've been killed in this tragedy, and celebrate those who managed to escape it.

Many watched in horror last night as Paula banked steeply and had her left wing torn off and Randy was sucked out into the the merciless thin air. Many wept as Ryan Seacrest's body was battered by the impact—still alive, but unable to move because of his broken legs, he was engulfed in flames and died in that ruined fuselage.

The trouble with the aircraft—made of gum wads and Popsicle sticks and hopes and dreams and sticky bits of British men's semen—began when the last of the Semifinal 9 were announced. It was, as expected, Lil' Rounds and Scott the Blind Guy. The third position was filled by the prancy Nancy from Puerto Rancy, Jorge Nunez. No Felicia Barton. No Nathaniel the Liongayed. Not even Country Abstinence girl, who probably set some teenage boy hands a' late-night fumble on Tuesday eve. So that was the evening's first great injustice—that we're being asked to believe that Blind Guy woulda made it if he weren't blind, that we're being told repeatedly that Lil' Rounds is some sort of singing genius (apparently we're buying it!), that we're cast suddenly as restless Jacobs, forced to wrestle with the gay curly-haired angel that is Jorge, his eyelashes batting, voice tremoloing.

The second incident, which air traffic controllers report being aware of around 8:43 last night, occurred when the Wild Card announcements were made. AGAIN, no Felicia. No fun gay folks. Twas all rambling idiots. Twas all Megan Joy Corkreys and Jasmine Whodathunkits. Ricky Braddy? Good news! Jesse the Friendly Giant? Sure! Anoop? Whoop whoop Anoop! Let's start rhyming! But fucking Von and TATIANA DEL TORO?

As the aircraft rumbled and the poor Jackie-Jackie Tohns and Ju'not Joyners of the world said their solemn, goodbye world! prayers, Tatiana was brought weeping and farting onto the mainstage, while Seacrest and Cowell smirked—seeming to forget, after all these years, that WE ARE WATCHING. WE CAN SEE YOU, IDIOTS. I'd rather have had a show producer break into my apartment and make my fingers dial strange phone numbers in the still of the night while I slept than again watch such a display of ratings-hungry chicanery. American Idol is only as strong as its weakest manipulation. So this season has just achieved new, skimming-the-trees-and-the-barn-tops lows. Tatiana. Here you are, America. A delicious shit sandwich. Here are some napkins.

Robbed: Felicia Barton, Kristen McNamara, Nathaniel.