The Week We Were All Chimps

This week everyone behaved foolishly and brashly and rashly. Like common dirty apes.

• Do we still care about racist Republican hicks? Only if they've just died.
• While we're on the topic of racist Republican hicks, black people look like monkeys, did you know that? That is funny, I think! Also gay people like to stick their legs up in the air! Oh, Sean Delonas. We can't wait to read your big fat children's book.
• That was terrible of me. The New York Post would like to sort of apologize on my behalf.
• Speaking of idiots, the cast of The City learned the spirit of Christmas this week. Meanwhile the Real Housewives of New York City returned and wreaked their havoc on the undeserving Hamptons.
• Wreaking havoc over at NYU were a bunch of Gaza-loving (and racism-hating, probably) baboons who occupied their cafeteria and lost themselves along the way. Zookeepers came and punished them appropriately by banishing them from their well-appointed cages.
• Joining these revolutionaries in hippie solidarity were Barack Obama and Joe Biden, who were busy promoting horrible, gunshot-worthy stimulus bills while their social secretary got down with Anna Wintour.
• If anyone's ever seen monkeys just doin' what comes naturally to them at the zoo or in the wild, you'll know that abstinence just isn't realistic. Quick, somebody occupy Bristol Palin's vagina!
• Matt Lauer and Brian Williams are sorta gay. They're sitting down for most of that clip, otherwise their legs would be up in the air.
• One couple, Tom & Katie, got dinged for using fur—perhaps monkey fur!—while another couple is half-Asian and therefore eats monkeys probably!
• Creepy old men are not upset about going at it like howler monkeys (anything else would be unrealistic!), nor are they buggin' about making up Holocaust stories.
• One mean old gorilla got fired, while another silverback totally ganked Conan O'Brien's thunder.

OK, monkey motif over. Now everyone shoo.