Oh hey, it looks like The CW is really, actually going to go ahead with this Melrose Place remake to accompany the 90210 we forgot we had once cared about. So who's going to star?

Whether this red-do will be able to draw a strong cast of boozy grandmothers and ultra-skinny Degrassi alums remains to be seen, but EW's Michael Ausiello has the casting breakdowns of each new character, which he compares the Melrose Place alums of yore:

The new Jake and Amanda are... David Patterson and Ella Flynn. He's Melrose royalty, the now-grown son of the original Jake, with the taut abs and thick black book to prove it. She's his omnisexual sometime lover, a PR whiz whose tongue is as sharp as her stilettos.

The new Billy and Allison are... Jonah Miller and Riley Richmond. He's a Kevin Smith wannabe whose obsession with his movies is unlikely to give him a happy ending with his sickly-sweet schoolteacher fiancee — especially when she takes a shine to the glamorous life he loathes.

The new Matt is... Auggie Kirkpatrick. A hunky hippie, this recovering alcoholic is willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. No word on whether the word sucker will be tattooed on Debbie Downer's forehead, but come on…

The new Jane is... Lauren Bishop. Sort of an anti-Michael, this straight-arrow med student falls on such hard times that she's forced to pull a Sydney and trade sexual favors for financial ones.

The new Sydney is... Violet Foster. Though she's fresh off the turnip truck, this small-town teen already has a worldly-wise m.o.: play the sex kitten till you're ready to bare your claws.

Which original cast members will be fired when Special Guest Star Lindsay Lohan eventually joins the cast as Amanda Woodward's cigarette-swallowing daughter? We can't wait to find out! (If it doesn't work out thou, Linds, there may be other avenues for your jaw-unhinging talents.)