My fellow Americans (and other fellow travelers of cyberspace), it occurs to me that we stand at the threshold of an historic transition: This will be the last Gawker live blog of the Dubya era. (Heckuva job, Clownie!) When next we meet, a presidential upgrade will have been completed. This got me thinking — is there nothing We The People can't improve on, if we just set our minds to it? I say: No there isn't. What about lame reality-show catchphrases — can we improve on those? I say: Yes we can!

So this week, I'd like to propose a little contest: Let's see if we can come with better pre-scripted food-judging zingers than those so far uttered by new permanent judge Toby Young. I call it the "Toby Young Stale One-Liner (TYSOL) Contest." Post your own TYSOLs in the comment thread of this post — anytime before, during or after tonight's episode — and next week, I'll pick the top-three and feature them in the next live-blog post.

Here are a few sample TYSOLs I wrote, just to give you the general idea:

  • "You must be a true artist — because it tastes like you cut off your own ear and used it as an ingredient in this dish."
  • "This tastes like Ronald McDonald puked — and then his puke cooked this meal."
  • "The Exxon Valdez never made anything this oily." (Out-of-date topical jokes earn bonus points.)
  • "If you salted this, you could call it 'salt with a deadly weapon.'" (Bad puns also earn bonus points.)
  • "Somebody call my doctor. This dish is so good, it gave me an erection that's gonna last more than four hours!" (Remember: TYSOLs can be positive, too!)

Get the idea? OK, chew that over while I regurgitate these "Things to Watch For" as we live-blog tonight:

  • Padma will describe quickfire guest-judge Hung Huynh as "the fastest top chef ever." This must explain why we've seen so little of Hung since he won Season 3: He's so fast, he's invisible to the naked eye.
  • According to tonight's episode description, everyone will visit a country farm "in search of fresh ingredients." So I guess we'll find out how Padma likes the homegrown stuff.
  • In one of tonight's preview clips, a live pig appears at the beginning, and pork is cooking at the end. From these clues, I deduce that (SPOILER ALERT) they're gonna slaughter a pig. This raises an obvious question: How will they turn this into a product-placement opportunity? Suffocate the pig with a GLAD trash bag? Bludgeon it to death with a Calphalon pot? Drown it in a tub of Diet Dr. Pepper?

I guess we'll find out soon, because our hour of destiny (10 pm Eastern) approaches. So raise your right hand and repeat after me: Do you solemnly swear not spill your drink on your keyboard? Alrighty then. I hereby declare tonight's live blog to be in session!

— MisterHippity