In honor of tonight's premiere of ABC's Homeland Security USA, a show easily described by the equation: (COPS + Terrorism) - All Conceivable Fun, we present a special threat edition of Watch, TiVo, Kill.

We don't normally go out of our way to mock a television offering because, on some level, you have to give a minimal level of props for just getting something to the air. But Homeland Security USA shows such a unique lack of originality, effort and timing that we had to make a point. Here's tonight's television, rated by the likelihood you will enjoy what you see.

Nip/Tuck [10 PM, FX] - Sean (Dylan Walsh) bangs a chick in his wheelchair. Christian (Julian McMahon) is diagnosed with breast cancer. It's good to have you back, N/T, we were beginning to wonder why you blue-balled us in the middle of your fifth season. Only eight new episodes and then we wait until 2010 for more? What are you, The Sopranos? No, you're much too fun.

The Biggest Loser: Couples [8 PM, NBC] - Those poor Subway employees. They barely had a chance to take a smoke break before going back to cranking out 6-inch turkey breast subs - no mayo, no cheese, heavy on the lettuce - for the contestants of another round of The Biggest Loser. NBC has raised the stakes for the winter-spring edition, giving us the oldest (64), youngest (18) and heaviest (454) contestants ever.

Scrubs [9 PM, ABC] - Back-to-back episodes kick off the eighth season of this medical oddity that sometimes ventures into the sublime, the musically sincere, and the just plain funny/awkward that the kids seem to love these days. Honest to a fault Courteney Cox guest-stars in the first episode. J.D. (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison) miss their regular steak night to comfort a dying patient in the second epi.

Gray Matters [8:20 PM, Starz] - Notable Scrubs guest-star alums Tom Cavanagh and Heather Graham play a brother and sister who are best friends and end up falling for the same woman, played by Bridget Moynahan. As Heather Graham's recent small romantic comedies phase (Miss Conception, Cake, Hope Springs) goes, this is one of the better efforts. Sure, the faux-lesbian action isn't all that hot, and most of the chemistry is between Cavanagh and Graham (as evidenced by their extended ballroom dance over the opening credits), but Molly Shannon is funny and Alan Cumming plays a sage-like cab driver.

Homeland Security USA [8 PM, ABC] - Our hypotheses as to why this show exists range from ABC owing a favor to the FCC to ABC needing to even out the negative programming karma from The Bachelor and True Beauty. Sadly, we would rather watch reruns of those programs than struggle through a real-life look at the people keeping our nation safe. Yes, we support the troops and pay our taxes, but if this spins off into a show about the real-life workings of the Department of Health and Human Services, we are moving to Edmonton.