New Year's Eve is one of the worst television days of the year: year-in-review montages, college football, competing countdown shows. This lack of thoughtful programming is as good a reason to drink as any.

For three years in a row, we have been at a party where the TiVo got paused momentarily at some point during the night and everyone was too drunk to realize that we were watching the ball drop at 12:08 AM. Not to say that it won't happen this year, but these are the programs we'll be flipping between:

WATCH

Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2009 [10 PM/11:30 PM, ABC] - Ageless icons Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest team up again to bring you simply-scripted performance intros and limited off-the-cuff moments as they welcome the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift and Fall Out Boy to play songs that we have all heard a lot this year. A lot. Kellie Pickler and Fergie do some moderate lifting as the supporting hosts in alternate geographic locations, but DCNYREwRS2k9 is Seacrest at his Sea-best: Narrating American moments without irony or judgment.

TiVo

New Year's Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin [11 PM, CNN] - This is good for skimming the morning after while trying to remember where you left your phone, glasses and boyfriend. If you can stand to have the volume on, listen for this pattern: AC makes a reference to someone/something important, Kathy Griffin makes fun of it, AC mentions that angry emails can be sent to Kathy. It might be shopworn, but it's still funny.

KILL

Totally New Year [6 PM, Disney] - Flip this on, give the kids some sparkling cider and go next door to your neighbor's key party. Your unassuming children will grin for six hours as Selena Gomez and the Wizards of Waverly Place cast host a marathon of pre-tween goodies.