Unless you spend Christmas drinking boxed wine alone in your apartment like we do, you'll need some background noise at your family celebration. Here's a guide to get you through the next two joyous days.

Christmas Eve - December 24

A Christmas Story [8 PM, TBS] - So continues the annual tradition of 24 hours of A Christmas Story. TBS has carried the baton since 2004, but we remember the TNT days fondly. The comedic, bittersweet, post-WWII nostalgia is still as fresh as a recently-cut Douglas-fir, and with the film on loop for a full day, you can easily avoid conversations with your drunk homophobic aunt by saying you want to see your favorite part and you'll be right back. This excuse works every two hours.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe [8 PM, ABC] - Despite eighty-sixing the franchise, ABC/Disney gives us the first chapter of the saga tonight to remind us that anything is possible this time of year: magical wardrobes, talking lions, keeping your job.

Christmas - December 25

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert [6 AM, Logo] - Not to be outdone, Logo fires back at TBS with 24 hours of Priscilla. Two drag queens and a tranny make their way across Australia to perform at a resort. There's no reason why this film can't enter the pantheon of alternate Christmas classics, along with Die Hard and Chinatown.

Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade [10 AM, ABC] - Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa host from Disney World while Ryan Seacrest rocks out from Disneyland. Look out for appearances from Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, Josh Grobin and a Dancing With the Stars number.

NBA on ABC: Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers [2 PM, ABC] - Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett go head-to-head in this much-anticipated rematch of last year's NBA Finals. It could be a great game, but more importantly, it gets you through the uneasy mid-afternoon portion of Christmas where people aren't yet totally plastered, but the house is rife with tension and burning questions: When will dinner be ready? Who forgot to get your sister a present in the family Secret Santa drawing? When is my weed dealer getting here so I can take the edge off this gathering?