Paddles down, people. The Scarlett Johansson Snotty Charity Kleenex Auction is over, with the winning bidder wanting no media attention for their offer of $5,300 in exchange for the aloe-enriched celebrity nasal smear.

Our hearty congratulations go out to the lucky deviant who gets to wait up all night for the UPS delivery truck, then tear into the box the next morning and lower their face into packing peanuts for a first, sinfully delicious whiff of The Girl with the Pearl Sinus Oyster. [eBay]