A new Web site proves today why People Magazine so mercilessly cut off all those staffers a week ago: They simply couldn't hack the celebrity-pet beat.

The shrinking, hungover celebrity-industrial complex awoke this morning to People Pets, a Web-only offshoot devoted to the intersection of Hollywood, domesticated animals and the people who love them. Much like the print mothership's will be forever remembered for its first cover featuring The Great Gatsby's Mia Farrow, so Pets will be known for its canine-clutching darling Emma Roberts, the revealing feature "Fashion Wigs For Cats!" and the devastating expose, "Poodles That Look Like Camels?!" Expect Jennifer Aniston to appear some time next week near the end of her Marley & Me press tour, her puppy co-star strategically concealing her naked torso, accompanied by the sensational confession, "What Marley left on the couch in my trailer was really uncool." And this is just the beta version! Recession over.