Twilight is likely critic-proof, but that's not stopping Summit Entertainment from enforcing a punishable-by-death review embargo until 12:01 a.m. on Friday. Which would explain why today — two days after its chaotic premiere, the morning after the first press screenings, and in a period of seemingly open rebellion against those oppressive studio strictures — not a single official review has yet emerged anywhere online. (UPDATE: In the last hour, embargo-exempt Variety begged to differ!) Unless you count a couple of critics who've backdoored their ways into saying it's pretty much the hormonal goth trifle you'd imagine.Michael Phillips first teased readers with his "non-review" late Tuesday, which seemed review-y enough to us:

The film is low-keyed supernaturalism. [...] The leads look pretty together. Kristen Stewart, who played the desert wild child in Into the Wild, enters Deep Smolder Mode (Celibate Division) earnestly and well with Robert Pattinson. [...] If Twilight performs below expectations at the box office, it may have something to do with…the special effects, which are not special. They are, in fact, on the cheesy side.

Why stop there, Michael? The Summit hit men are no doubt on their way, with Phillips likely the first victim in a multi-state spree that will next target Jeffrey Wells — even if he did seem to like it: I can at least describe a conversation I had with a sharp Manhattan female columnist in the outer foyer. "Whadja think?" I asked. "I liked it!," she said, nodding and wearing a serene little smile that spoke of resolution. Then she quickly added, perhaps thinking I was a hater and not wanting to argue, "I'm a girl." And I said, "And I'm a guy and I don't think it was half bad! In its own realm it works. And Pattinson is great! And Kristin Stewart is such a good actress that she knows how to finagle her dialogue and it all goes down pretty smoothly." "In its own realm" = the estrogen class. As such, Wells is less guardedly optimistic about Twilight's box-office chances, comparing its x-chromosome muscle to Titanic's and predicting a possible $200 million finish. Nice try, sir; that spin will still get you broken kneecaps. And you'll need to register yourself as an embargo offender when you get home; good luck telling your neighbors.