OBAMA FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE RUNNING TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE! That's not change we can believe in! "Before the election, he was always on time," CNN reports. Now they're playing Rush Limbaugh complaining about Rahm Emanuel on one side of the screen and an empty podium on the other. We'll update with details and eventually video! 2:41 Oh, Robert Byrd is stepping down as Chairman of the Appropriations Committee. Byrd, the former KKK member, is delighted with new President Obama! What a country! Still an empty podium. 2:43 Oh, god, FIVE MORE MINUTES. Obama is breaking promises all over the place, today. We are ashamed. HILLARY IN 2012! 2:48 Another five minutes! Jesus, what is going on in this economic meeting?? Is he just shouting obscenities about the hideous mess he's just inherited? Are they getting high? Is Larry Summers complaining about uppity womens again? 2:50 Here come the economic superfriends. Robert Reich is hilarious, is it mean to laugh at how funny he looks? Yes, it probably is. But he's not technically a little person, just a regular short person, so it's ok. Now Obama is backstage putting out his cigarette, maybe? 2:53 Rahm Emanuel is another tiny person, isn't he? What's up with that? The tiny cabinet! Trend piece! OH WAIT HERE'S OBAMA. 2:54 God, President Obama, we know things suck, everywhere. "The United States has only one government and one president, at a time" — GOD DAMMIT, NOW HE TELLS US. Right now, President-elect, we don't have any presidents. Bush checked out a year ago! But once Barry is sworn in, he'll help all the hardworking families. Middle class rescue plan! Extend unemployment and a new stimulus plan. Small businesses, blah. Economic policy is boooring. Announce a WPA Federal Bloggers Project, Obama. Do it. Come on. 2:55 Oh, the Auto Industry, they can go to hell. Obama should announce we need a new generation of fuel-efficient FLYING CARS. Then we'd bail them out. We're avoiding the foreclosures. Monitoring challenges. Strengthening the middle class. 2:58 Barack Obama looks exhausted. He does not underestimate the enormity of the task that lies ahead. 2:59 Question time! Does he have a coherent stimulus/rescue plan? Surely he does! Why must it be explained in such vague terms, President Hopey? 3:00 Can we get things done in a lame duck session? No, we can't. So we wait for his new session. 3:01 President Achmadinejad sent a note of congratulations! When do we send all the envoys to the evil countries? Campaign boilerplate about Iran. "It's only been three days since the election," says the President of Disappointing us. Why isn't everything different? 3:02 Only one president at a time! "I am not the president." 3:03 Will it rattle the markets when President Bush does some of his famous DECIDING? Guys, President Bush has done no deciding since 2006. Obama will have dinner with him, later, and they'll get along fine, and everyone will recognize the severity of every situation. Man we all know they're just going to talk about football, the whole time. 3:05 In terms of picking his cabinet, Barack Obama has a weird, foreign, elitist idea about "thinking things through" and deliberating before making decisions? 3:06 Who will Obama select for his Senate seat? He defers to the Governor, though of course it will be Jesse Jackson Jr (shhhh!). 3:07 Lynn Sweet! We love her! She has an arm in a sling! She hurt her shoulder running to his speech on election night! Obama says that was the only major incident! She asks about talking to former presidents. Obama has spoken to ALL OF THEM. Hah, he made a Nancy Reagan seance joke. Obama is rereading Lincoln, so basically it's New Civil War Time, guys. "With respect to the dog: This is a major issue." This is hilarious. Malia is allergic, so it has to be hypoallergenic. But they want a shelter dog! "Obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts, like me." This is a pressing issue in the Obama household. Awesome. 3:09 Are the president's intelligence briefings scaring the shit out of Barry? They don't seem to be! 3:11 We're gonna soak the rich. Good night everybody!