Tragedy was narrowly averted on the set of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, a colorful report circulating the UK gossip press claims, when Robert Downey Jr. very nearly set his penis ablaze in a pipe-smoking incident gone terribly wrong:

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law - who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie - was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates. The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Ritchie would have acted sooner had he not been attending at that moment to yet another ominous text message from his divorcing wife. Once Downey's desperate screams of, "MY DICK! SOMEONE PUT OUT MY DICK!" had died down, however, the director comforted his star by explaining that he went through a similar trauma daily: Should he have ever climbed into bed without having made peace with Madonna over that day's squabbles, she would slowly pat the propane device on her nightstand, reminding him, "Blowtorch, Guy. Blowtorch."