What is The Hills even about anymore? It's certainly not about Lauren, our straight-haired heroine who now exists in some grimace-filled corner of the swooshy Californian reality show. It's been fully ceded at this point to the Feivel-esque Audrina, who with her metaphorical big floppy hat sings a plaintive "Somewhere Out There," hoping to find the yin to her yang, the burl to her tree trunk. And it's also about the Hieronymus Bosch-like coterie of damned souls that surround Fleshbeard and his mortal bride Heidi. The show has gone from fantasy to Fangoria in a few short weeks. But because it still exists, we soldier on with the business of sifting through it. And so we shall after the jump. Audrina continued to muddle her way through her relationship with the sweet and maybe-a-little-dim Cory, an Australian lad of genuine kindness but none of the dangerous joie de vivre exhibited by her badboy beloved Justin Bobby. But because none of these people are allowed to listen to their hearts until the producers tell them it's OK to do so, Audy kept poor Cory flopping around on the dock before she whacked him with her mallet, sending his brains squirting and sluicing out onto the planks. O bringer of life Audrina, O taker awayer. At least she wasn't willing to jeep on both of 'em and date them at the same time. No, only one fellow at a time can ride the ghostly Victorian carousel that turns unendingly inside her skull. In a litter box across town, Spencerina was diddling around with Cameron, a whiny little elf of a gent who had plans to have words with Brody, the tormentor and cry-maker of Spencerina's nightmares. So they were all at the clurrb, Spencerina & Cameron, Lo & her potato-ish unnamed boyfriend, Lauren & the quiet sadness of her singledom. Oh, and then Brodes todes showeds up, and Cameron played a scaredy cat game of Link while his beak-nosed Zelda shifted awkwardly in the leather banquette. It was a sad scene of people breaking softly under the weariness of living, like that part in Half Nelson where the girl walks into the party to sell crack for her cousin and there's Ryan Gosling on the floor all fucked up and waiting for his drugs and she looks at him and he looks at her and this expression of every minute of his life finally catching up to him—and of every sad story of drugs in America choosing him as their conduit—crosses his face and it just ruins you. That was sort of like the Hills scene last night. I mean. Sort of. Spencerina went bungling off to Fleshbeard and Gumby. They henpecked and nagged and needled and basically continued their sad cannibal work of stripping the very flesh of vitality from Spencerina's bones, sucking the marrow out of her life. It's how they survive, these two end of days vultures. And, I dunno, call me crazy but I'm sort of starting to enjoy Fleshbeard's sour little scenes. It's become like clockwork, as reliable and ornately silly as the Glockenspiel. I mean it's awful, yes, but it's also respectably audacious of Spence and the crew to serve us the same bitter gazpacho every week and expect us to take it. We take it! We take it! And we, eventually, choke on it, I think. Audrina continued to poke at the flopping, briney soon-to-be corpse of Cory, her shallow puddle eyes glinting not with recognition, but only with empty reflection. She went to "work" at a recording studio with Brandy. No not the drink! The singer lady who used to be famous for such hits as "The Boy Is Mine" and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. She was recording a song and choosing a photo for her album cover and desperately trying to forget 1) that she used to be like the biggest star in R&B like 10 years ago and now she's reduced to meekly peddling her wares on The Hills and 2) her brother Ray J sexed Kim Kardashian on camera. Anyway, Justin Bobby called and like the good employee she is, Audrina ran outside to talk with him. "I want you to be with me," muttered JB. Audrina didn't know what the eff to say other than that she didn't know. We'd have to see. We'd all have to see. And then WHACK! SQUISH! BLECHHH! she dashed out Cory's frippering life at a restaurant shortly after. And he'd just given the meowing sheila a little koala bear toy. "Ohhh, I'll keep this forever," she said, immediately before breaking up with him. Sadly he'd also invited her to visit him in Australia. But nay, she loved the coffee and Jack Daniels-marinated Justin Bobby just too much. She longed for his leathery arms and gruff purr of a voice at that very moment. Off with you Cory, into the chum bucket with you! Back to the sharks of Bondi Beach! And that was that. Lauren didn't do nothin' all episode except have a tired conversation with Spencerina. Maybe she's figured out how to live her life and she's decided this whole reality game is for the birds. Let Audrina squirrel her way through a series of dainty men, let Spencerina be constantly emotionally abused by her brother and his girlfriend, let Brody call people "homie" even though he is the whitest whitey to ever be white. Lauren's gotten so good at this game she doesn't even need to play it to win it. And that, I must say with a phrase I never thought I'd used in one of these recaps, I can respect. I can. Sigh. I can.