What's it like to live the life of Oscar winner Adrien Brody? Apparently, it pays enough to buy your actress girlfriend Elsa Pataky (Snakes on a Plane) an enormous castle in upstate New York, but not quite enough to keep you from opening up the doors to said castle to Hello! magazine for some extra coin. At least, that's the conclusion we came to after a perusal of the magazine's 35-page spread that includes shots of Brody and Pataky so cheesy that even Spencer and Heidi would turn away in white-hot shame. Won't you come inside with us and take a tour?

No need for a magnifying glass — that caption really does say, "When Adrien realized I loved the countryside too, he said, 'Well, we can share our dreams together, then.'" An additional, smaller caption reads, "When I told Adrien I loved convoluted John Maybury films, he pressed a finger to my lips and said, 'Elsa, then an autographed DVD of The Jacket you shall have.'"

Sadly, after spending so much of his own money to purchase Pataky's castle, Brody didn't have the heart to tell her that the expensive "air bathtub" she'd bought off Ebay was good for nothing but reading scripts in, shirtless.

Inside the article, Brody takes Pataky's hand, squeezes it, and says, "Do you remember when we were at a party in Cannes, and a woman sitting behind us told us, 'Thank you for making me believe in love again'?" Sadly, Brody leaves out the next, vital part of the exchange, when the woman added, "So please don't despoil it with a cringe-worthy photo spread in a British tabloid, OK? Leave that to the topless glamour models and Robbie Williams."