As Wall Street burns and the government plunders our tax dollars to uphold the mere appearance of economic stability, financial companies are turning to their most trusted advisers for answers: ad agencies. Because when shit is really fucked up, the only way to take advantage of the situation is to convince the public that you are slightly less fucked up than all your competitors. After the jump, we look at what some financial companies are saying right now—and then tell you what they should be saying, if only they weren't scared of, you know, total ruin: Zurich Financial Services Group Aim: "wanted to directly address the recent economic turmoil." What they say: The company is "here to give you real help in an uncertain world, backed by the financial strength and stability of the Zurich American Insurance Company...It's help that's here now." What they should say: "What with the recent economic turmoil, why not go with Zurich? It's named after a city that's not in America, where everything is going to hell." Rockefeller & Company Aim: Reassure people they're stable. What they say: "Responsible and stable wealth management through turbulent times." What they should say: "Rockefeller stands for Rich. And that will never change, yo." Wachovia Securities Aim: Get people to invest again. What they say: "Think long term." What they should say: "Don't be a pussy." AXA Equitable Aim: Reassure people they're stable. What they say: "In these chaotic times, there is a financial services company dedicated to redefining commitment." (WTF?) What they should say: "Yes, we have a 3-letter name that starts with "A." But we're not AIG. Look it up." AIG Aim: To slink away quietly. What they say: Nothing, since they pulled their ads. What they should say: "Nothing" seems to be the right move. [NYT, WSJ]