Billy Ray Cyrus, virtue-hoarding father and achy-breaky-svengali to cultural tween phenomenon Miley Cyrus, appeared on The Today Show this morning, where for the first time he was made to address the now-infamous Virgin Miley study that recently graced the pages of Vanity Fair. An unwavering Meredith Vieira was determined to figure out where he was as photographer Annie Leibovitz crouched beneath a lighting umbrella, pressing two index fingers to her lips as she spitballed aloud, "For the next one, maybe lose the clothes, clutch that sheet to your chest, and give me your best 'Got Milk?' face."

Cyrus responded with a bitter recollection that underscores the sorry current state of Hollywood flackism, explaining that he left the set feeling "everything was in control...Her publicist was there." Pressed for his reactions to the photo, Cyrus then offered a series of increasingly inscrutable downhomeisms—beginning with a relatively low-difficulty poop-stomping metaphor, and eventually working his way up to one involving turkey-neck-lengths that our dull urbanite brains never fully managed to grasp.