• OMG Paris Hilton is finally saving African kids with her beautiful love, just like she promised! Oh wait, the kids go to a private school and are wealthy. Paris' way too fashionable clothes don't even look dirty. Nice try, liar. [Faded Youth]
  • Singer Britney Spears is going to open her own dance studio, even though she could give the troubled American economy a boost by going insane again. [Perez]
  • When not recruiting innocent inner-city kids into Scientology, or aggressively reproducing, model Kimora Lee Simmons is saying insane things about turning her dog into a diamond. There is actually a company that will do that, probably almost entirely for crazy rich celebrities. [Hollyscoop]
  • A lady was almost killed by crazed, stampeding Oprah Winfrey fans, who pushed her down some stairs. Everyone was scrambling for a seat on the show. This can't be a rare occurrence. [TMZ]
  • Heather Mills, Beatle Paul McCartney's ex wife, is hated by the entire population of the British isles, judging by the no-doubt-objective tabloid coverage of her. The heartless monster's latest outrage is sending her four-year-old daughter on an airplane flight in the back of the plane instead of first class. [Sun]
  • Actress Tori Spelling is eager to relive her 90210 days. "Maybe I could be one of the main character's young step mom." [People]
  • Actress Lindsay Lohan is rushing to her ailing grandfather via private jet. [E Online]