Last month brought TV star Leah Remini's internal Scientology recruiting email, an insane, rambling pitch to encourage Scientologists to spend more time and money on their own "church." Gawker asked for translations of the text; the funniest so far just arrived from "an ex-Scientologist that grew up in the cult and used to have to listen to the psychobabble every day:"

Translations below from email tipster:

This is Leah Remini Writing you again. Some of you may know me from

the TV show "King of Queens", but what is more important is that I

am now OT V and at one point I was a very stalled Clear. A lot of

people helped me to get OT, and I decided I was going to turn around

and help every Clear make it to OT.
Translation: This Is Leah Remini Capitalizing verbs. Because when I Do something, like Clean out the hair in the shower drain, it Deserves a capital letter. I Am famous.

A couple of months ago, you received a letter from me about an event

I was holding to help people move who were stalled on the Bridge.

Obviously you did not come and for some reason, feel you are not

indeed a "stalled Clear". Let me start with the definition of

"stalled". Not that you are-but who knows? STALL: To slow down or

halt the progress of. (American Heritage Student Dictionary). If you

are not aggressively moving on your next step-your next "Gradechart

Action", you are stalled. Look at the Gradechart, it says: Clear-

Sunshine Rundown-Solo Course Part 1-OT Preparations and so on up the

chart. If you are not on your next step as per this chart, and are

not on a prerequisite for Solo, you are stalled-plain and simple.
A couple of months ago, I sent all you ungrateful fucktards a letter about a little speech I was giving to help all of you only-halfway-to-getting-superpowers people get your asses back in supergear. No one showed up, and I ended up sitting in the church reception hall eating all the Goldfish crackers by myself while my mascara ran down my face in teary rivulets. So now hear this, assholes: if you're all sitting around at home thinking "Why would I to listen to a B-Grade actress tell me about the crazed ramblings of a Sci-Fi writer? I already think he's god", think again. Because if you're not actively maxing out your credit card to get to the next step in Scientology, which for most of you is the Rainbow Babies and Wittle Puppy Wuppy Rundown, you are NOT in supergear. Got that?

If your C/S has CS ed you for the PTS SP course, or some other

needed action to get you rolling up the GRADECHART faster, then do

it, and do it fast. I have experience being a Stalled Clear. I was

the kind of gal who went on course MAYBE a period a day, only on

weekdays, and that was ONLY if I had the time. I felt I deserved a

special award for being there and they couldn't possibly ask for

more. I remember thinking and saying out loud, "I WILL NEVER be like

those idiots who wait 10 years to go OT!" 10 years later, I hadn't

moved. I mean I did everything else but move on to Solo One.

If your handler has told you to pony up the cash for the Potential Trouble Source / Suppressive Person course, or the Pupppy Wuppy Rundown With Extra Cheese, or something else to get you indoctrinated as fast as possible, then L. Ron Tapdancing Hubbard, fucking do it. I used to be like you. I was the kind of rational person who only sacrificed 3 hours a day at my local Scientology center, refusing to give up any of my precious family time, me time, or botox time to Scientology. I remember thinking aloud, "I'm not so sure about all this Scientology shit, but goddamn, the prawns at the church resaurant rock my socks." 10 years later, I still didn't have superpowers. I even lost the part for Jane Grey in the X-Men movie.



I did

other courses, I got myself in to trouble, then needed some FPRD and

then I would finish that and it would be "my finances"... I would

hear people talk to me about other Clears and refer to them as

"stalled Clears" and I would be like "Yeah-they are totally stalled.

You guys should handle them." Never once did I think "I" was a

stalled Clear, because I was always doing something. Once my mother

told me I was stalled and I actually thought she was an idiot.

Really, I thought "Wow, she really should handle that." I also

thought she just didn't know me. My mom is OT VII and a Class VI.

She did know me and she was right. So, it is up to you now to be

honest with yourself and look at your own progress up the Bridge.
Yeah, Okay, my mom was totally wrong about a lot of things, like when she tells me to fold my socks down neatly, I don't listen to that shit, but when your mom's an OT8 with superpowers and ALSO an auditor with superpowers, you should listen up and listen good. Ok, I've never actually seen my mom bake cookies with her mind, but the ones she makes in the oven are to-fucking-die for. And ovens are kinda magical, yeah? I mean, you put totally unbaked stuff in them, and you close the door, and you turn the little knobbie things, and when you open it up again, out comes dinner. That's the kind of miraculous shit you can get with Scientology: baked cookies. Be honest with yourself: don't you want cookies? I think you do.

Do you ever wonder why you are not moving? No? Then that's an outpoint.

You are Clear, you are special, why have you not moved? Whatever the

reason, there is an answer and a solution. I don't care what it is:

you were not serviced right or fast enough, people don't get you,

you have other things going on that we don't get, you are helping

others, you are upset, you haven't been acked, your life is actually

going well, your life is not going well, there's no money there's no

time, if you were a millionaire you would do it no problem, you are

waiting for your 2D to make it, there's no urgency, you are not sure

if you have what it takes to be OT, you hated your auditor, you

don't like the parking situation...WHATEVER IT IS, IT IS STOPPING

YOU AND THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I HAVE A QUOTA TO MAKE HERE, AND IF I HAVEN'T RAISED 3 MILLION DOLLARS FOR SCIENTOLOGY BY 7PM TOMORROW, THEY'RE GONNA LOCK ME IN A ROOM WITH TOM CRUISE. IT PUTS THE MONEY IN THE COFFER, OR IT GETS THE ZAP-RAY AGAIN!